This has been an interesting trip. I am seeing things in myself that I need to improve on, personality traits that have changed for the good since I was last here, in Denver. In less than a week I will have to go back to Alabama… I know I need to be there but I feel sad to leave here. Thinking logically I know that Colorado is not the place for me right now, I am living a dream for someone who has been down my path, I miss some of what was my old life here in Denver. The thing about the “old life” is that is could be rather destructive in small ways that broke me down…like man issues and things like that.
Being here in Denver and having to leave is part of the adventure, right? At times I think that concept is hard to understand due to the tragic-comedy that is my life.
I am back in Denver visiting, on a real vacation. It’s nice to be back home, I don’t miss Alabama but I don’t dread going back. I have been here for a few days and have enjoyed all of it. It’s nice to be close the people who knew me before my father died. Last night I had dinner with a friend of mine, it was nice to open up about my dad to someone I am able to be close to, it was comforting.
I am doing well. I am in a good place. I am well fed. I am getting the mental help I need; I got back on my antidepressant and am seeing a therapist once a week (for the last few months it was twice a week.) I am working on a plan to get more independent. I am doing well in school- learned a lot. I am still feeling joy towards getting my degree. I will need to move on from the cute old people I take care of soon; I need to find a new job. I am stronger. I am feeling a bit more optimistic. I think I am becoming less selfish. I will always believe and support my brother. I am working on the sexual abuse in therapy…it’s tough. I am two years sober. I am really starting to like the area I live in. I get to go back to Denver in a few weeks to visit. The plan is I’m taking classes this summer. I am complaining less when the RA flares up. I am strong. I thrive. I am not a victim. I am triumphant. I am not depressed. I can handle stress. I can keep going….
My brother told my mother that her last husband (of whom she is still with but divorced to) raped him. My mother is in a manic phase and I am worried about what she may do to herself. I am not sure if she would take her own life; she still and has always seen herself as a victim. I will say I was impressed with her compassion when she asked him what she could to do help him. He told her he has moved pasted it, gone to therapy and worked through it.
I called my brother to let him know mom had been asking me why we hate our ex-stepfather…I told her she needed to talk to my brother. He finally told her today after years; he kept it from her for the sake of her sanity….so now we wait.
A positive thing that has happened to me since I wrote was I received my two year chip and finished one of my classes early with an A
I will tell you this. I don’t have a triumphant story to tell about how I am so happy and the sadness has left. I can tell you that my life is slowly getting better. I see more hope. I have been seeing a therapist twice a week and I got back on an anti-depressant. Thank you for your kind words. Writing made me feel very vulnerable when I was already feeling naked to my core. My CORE is getting stronger and I am feeling better. I may not see a light at the end of this tunnel but I am starting to have faith that there is one.
Thank you for reading my blog and for the overwhelming number of incredibly supportive comments…I did not respond to them all but I read every one and please believe me, your faith has helped me through my darkest hours.
I celebrated two years of sobriety yesterday, I made it this far and if you have read my blog I am sure the gap I left between this blog and the last perhaps made you a skeptic but I did not drink; the thing I am finding most important to stay strong on. SOBRIETY.
Until we meet again, please know I am in a better place. Spring will start birthing. Much like the healing that is taking place in my heart and I hope soul. Life of the trees seem to be coming very slowly this Spring, yet I am able to recognize this birth of LIFE is coming, it takes time.
I don’t feel like going on anymore. I have tried to get help to no avail and my energy is dwindling. I have lost most hope, there is no one to blame.
My life was once full of hope but I feel hope no longer, I feel as tho I have little to nothing to live for. I have to find hope, I am searching….I am trying. Where will I go when I die? Is there really heaven? I am not scared so much to leave the people behind but for them to suffer but the suffering I feel internally is over whelming. I have good things in front of me but they mean nothing because of the cloud that blinds me; depression….feeling hopeless and searching for something. I am nearly two years sober and for what?
It felt very good to write my inner feelings the other day….thank you for being here!