Last Post

Thank you for reading. Thank you for being here and walking with me. I will continue to work and give. I love people and want peace. I have hope, we are hope and I try to live hope. Peace be with you and I wish you joy and love.

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“If I can be an example of getting sober, then I can be an example of starting over.”

I’m three years sober today. This morning was the first day in a while that I felt pure joy. I called those close to me and thanked them, I celebrated. I feel proud that I made it this far. When I was working the AA program, I was told that it can take a year and a half for liquor to fully get out of your system and three years of sobriety is when you can think clearly. I am here. I am listening. I am close to my God.

I was made to drink by my step father for five years from the age of 7 to 12. My first “adult drunk” was 16. I started drinking alcoholically when I was 21. I drank hard until I was 28. I learned quickly in AA and ran with it. I saw the possibilities in sobriety but knew it was going to be hard. Three years ago last night I tried to kill myself with Xanax and tequila. I survived and detoxed in my grandparents basement, embracing AA with everything I had. I stayed completely clean for 9 months; started smoking weed. That’s my story. I am sober and proud I have made it this far. One day at a time.

On my one year of sobriety I got a tattoo, “DO NOT FEAR”. I am proud of my tattoo, it’s a daily affirmation. Will I regret it someday? I hope not. It’s my one year chip. I didn’t want to wear the coin around my neck all the time. Not everyone needs to know I am in recovery. It’s personal and I share it with those it may help. I try to just be an example. My tattoo has helped me. It has also been an aid in changing others views on the idea. A tattoo can have meaning, mine does. My good friend did it, a true artist, my  sweet Phin. I chose “DO NOT FEAR” for many reasons. All the good leaders spoke of not being afraid. Fear separates us from love. Fear is blinding. Fear leads to a mental break down. I also didn’t think I was going to survive a year of not drinking and I always wanted a tattoo. The first year of sobriety I thought about what it was that drinking did for me and it was cover up the fear. I drank out of fear.

Three years is a long time without a drink.

I wanted to drink recently but I didn’t. I am still an alcoholic and live with that daily but everyday it gets less intense. I am strong. I was given a lot of good tools in life to cope.

I may go to a meeting to pic up a three year chip, we shall see. I am celebrating with a lovely meal and my Golden Gal.

“If I can be an example of getting sober, then I can be an example of starting over.”

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Not Me

I’m going to get a crappy car and I’m excited. I am ready to let this car and all that comes with it go. This car reminds me of my marriage, I was a different person then. I drank and smoked in it. I had sex in it. I cried a lot in it. It brought me to the South. I love that car, my Cube. I’m ready to let it go. It’s not me anymore.

If I sold the car myself I could get a few grand more but I’m not in a mental place to deal with random strangers like that. I still have issues I need to work on and opening the door of my car to a stranger who found me on craigslist does not seem like a healthy option for my anxiety. I can cut my losses and choose the wiser.

Life is different out here. I like it but it’s a different world.

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New Med

Time is an amazing thing. It’s been nearly three weeks since the ward stay and I’m living the life I always wanted. I’m on my own and getting rid of my car; downgrading! I’m a student. I have a great dog. I’m on the right medication. I’m sober. I am an Artist. I have a good support system.  I am eating healthy. I am vary blessed.

Yet, it’s an interesting phenomena how not living with the highs and lows can feel like a loss. I feel like a part of my personality has died. I don’t read people like I use to but I feel less anger and fear. I know I’m still me and can attach and detach as good as I could before. My sleeping is completely off kilter, so it’s hard to rate my agitation. The paranoid feelings I had have almost completely dissipated, moving to a better neighborhood has helped. My anxiety is much more under control but I can still have an anxiety attack at the drop of a hat. I still see auras around people which is comforting. I still believe I have gifts that are god given but they are not as intense anymore. I don’t pick up on others emotions and carry them with me like I use to. I really don’t care what most people think about me. But the greatest thing of all is I am still an artist and the medication helps me focus!

As for a job, I know I ‘m not anywhere close to working. I’m still very fragile. I know the RA attack I just got over does not help. It can take a few days for me to recover when I have a bad attack; this last one was not too bad. The RA also hinders my sleep. I decided to keep a log everyday. I’m tracking on a scale from one to five; one being lowest or worst and five being highest or best. I track where I’m at for the day with the RA, agitation, sex-drive, hours slept, napping hours, mental energy and anxiety. I have an appointment mid May to see a therapist and I want to bring as much about me as I can to get the best help possible. Plus, this information can help me better understand myself. It’s been nearly four weeks on the medication and it’s helping, I’m grateful!

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Free

I accomplished great things today. I feel free.

Posted in abuse, addiction, alcohol, alcoholism, child abuse, childabuse, college, dad, death, forgivness, happy, hope, ife, Laugh, life, loss, love, sadness, sexual abuse, spirituality, Uncategorized | 2 Comments

RA

The RA is bad tonight. We are getting hit with a  hard rain so I am sleeping over at the “Golden gals” place due to flashflood warnings. My hands are so swollen, I can hardly make a fist…so I write. Writing helps me move my hands, even if it’s slowly. I love the quote, “a body in motion, stays in motion.”

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Thank You

This blog has walked with me through a lot in my life. At times it was my best friend and more times than not, my only friend. I have been able to write freely, with no worry of judgment. I have blogged about the most petty of things while diving deep in my soul. I shared about AA, detoxing, bipolar, death, redemption, parents, pets, addiction, my thoughts on abortion, my sexual abuse,  torture and the list goes on… This has been my confidant and truth, a blessing and once a curse. It will forever be my true Lost Companion.

I started writing when I was going through withdrawals, just starting AA and facing a sober life, living with my grandparents in CO, working a job I would soon lose because I was a drunk, screwed financially but ready to fight for my life . Since then, I live in the South, on track mentally, worked on my credit and got mostly out of debt, I’m a student with strait A’s and (just for today) living on my own. Most importantly, I have stayed sober. I’ve moved states in hope for a better future, this blog was there. I am thankful for my testimony. I am thankful for the readers and those who speak the truth. The comments I have received over the last three years have given me strength beyond belief. Thank you friends.

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