My soul is still filled with so much sorrow but it’s not angry anymore. I am on the path to acceptance and what I see may be a renewal in who I am; I have a future.
Today was my 29th birthday. I have always despised my birthday but a few days ago I decided I would TRY and change my attitude. It ended up being a wonderful day, emotional but low on the anxiety scale.
I went to the symphony with my friend. If my father was around he would have loved to see what I saw; the music group, Queen- at the symphony…..it was amazing. They played songs that brought me back to when I first met my father- last summer.
I have always loved Queen, an influence from my mother (I hate to admit).
My dad and I became instantly close when we met. We spent the first week driving around together, going to AA meetings, seeing music sites in the deep south all while listening to Queen. I discovered new Queen songs I had never heard. One of the first was , “Love of my life.” I feel in love with the song. After hearing it a few times, I grabbed my dads hand, looked into his deep blue eyes and said, “I love you so much, this is all I wanted my whole life.” He was complete at that moment and so was I. I miss that with him so much. I played that song over and over. I was so proud at that moment to know and be with my dad.
I wish I would have known he was going to die, I would have done things differently. I would have seen him more in the hospital. I would have held his hand more. I was so angry and wanted to be free from sickness and addiction that surrounded him, I didn’t see my dad as a human-being that was dying. I should have loved him better. I should have gone with a radio and listened to Queen with him.
I remember the day he woke up from the hospital, I was there. He was so proud to see me. He could not feed himself so I fed him. I wiped his face and nose. Doted on him. We connected again for another brief moment. He had been in an induced coma-like-state for three weeks; he had pneumonia. My family played it like anyone else would who’s father and husband was in the hospital, near-death, over a dozen times in the last five years- due to his addictions. The thing is, I had no idea my dad was that sick- mentally and emotionally.
On another note….
The elderly couple (Mr. & Ms.C) I take care of during the week is not doing too well. I am a caregiver and I spend time with them every Monday and Friday, but now I am going to make the drive on Wednesdays (70 miles one way) because they need more help. My sweet little old lady passed out the early last week and spent three days in the hospital because she forgets to drink and gets dehydrated. I am scared to lose them but I have no barriers up with them like I do with most in my life. They are weak, as I am weak. They are old and have lived a very good life. I am so blessed to have them. They took me out to dinner last night, it was an honor and a pleasure. Thursday Ms.C got back from the hospital, she was weak and by Friday had forgotten she had been there for three days due to her Alzheimer’s. She looked at me with squinted teary eyes and said, “Amanda, my mind is going, I can not remember anything anymore.” I took her hand and said I know and I told her she is doing well tho. I told them I would like to come on Wednesdays to help her; without hesitation she said yes. My work told me their daughter wanted to see if I would fit more time into my schedule for them but sweet Mr. & Ms. C were worried it would interfere with school; they worry about me like grandparents do. I love them as much as they do me. They are good people, I wish I could do more. My granddad and grandma make them food for me to take over to them when I go to work. I am feeling anxious about spending all that time in the car because of the RA, but I can do it. I will be driving a lot between my two “homes”, work and school. I can do it! They are worth it.
I ask my higher power to give me the strength to love all the people in my life like I do them, unconditionally.
Today was my 29th Birthday.