I know I have a lot, more than most and from the outside looking in I am sure my life looks amazing; she’d got it made. My mind is not made, my mind is like the early process of a scrambled egg. At times I feel fluid while other times like thoughts like rocks are being thrown at my head. My exhaustion is immovable. I feel alone. Thoughts and words can’t express the chaos of emotions going on inside of me right now. I am frail, weak and ready to crumble inside myself.
My friend tells me find my hope. I feel crazy, lost, alone and angry. I have no God and no religion. I don’t know where I will end up when I die and that scares me enough to try to live; what the hell will happen to me? What the hell happened to my dad?
I just want to confine myself to a solitary way of life, I am over stimulated. I talk to much. I reach with far too much of a stretch on my behalf. I tell everything and end up with nothing inside for me….yet at times I can’t say enough to express my need for love and attention. I an afraid.
Where is my hope….PLEASE something or someone make me a better, less selfish more humble and wise person. Give me the strength to get out on my own two feet and have the confidence that I can take care of myself. I am so afraid to fail. Give me the wisdom to know when to say something, if anything at all. Guide me to my healthy outlets and blanket me in routine and healthy eating habits. I am weak, I do not feel strong. I don’t know what more to do at this point. I know I have to keep going but I have been bitching and moaning and feeling sorry for myself for quite a while not. I need to be strong. I need to find my hope. I need to stop thinking I am an victim. Most importantly, help me take me out of the equation. Let me be an observer.
Where is my hope?