Woke up his morning and realized my journey includes going to AA. A very scary thought for me but one that is going to help me on my path to health and stability.
Stability, what an interesting word to an addict and a sufferer of great abuse, depression, anxiety and more loss than three blogs of 20,000 words could even describe. I will slowly let you in and my whole story will be told if you would like to join me.
Giving up control is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I have hit rock bottom. So deep the depths of the earth cannot describe what is going on in my soul. I cry for help but the echo of my voice never reaches the surface of the earth; outside the hole covered in sunlight, green grass blowing in the warm wind.
You may ask what is going on that I feel this way and I think it is time to explain…
Growing up was torturous, for example sexual and emotional abuse among constant fear and being physically tortured. Having a mother that new and did nothing is something that has made me feel abandoned my whole life. (I can get through this I keep telling myself) even right now. I started my life over when I was just a teenager. People took me in and showed me unconditional love. Unfortunately the trust I have had in that love comes and goes year after year and thus I feel abandoned, not by them, by me. Abandonment is a pretty bad thing to feel. (SIDE NOTE- Why is the word pretty used in a negative context when pretty is pretty is a word meaning beautiful? There is nothing “pretty” about abandonment. Perhaps I should use the word very, enormously or extremely.
I hope that whoever reads this and knows who I am will not give my identity away. This is a very important thing for me to do in this process of fully loving myself and learning how to live. If you continue to follow me you will see that I will find a beautiful and healthy path. This my take a while…stick with me. I will share my dark moments as well and the good things. I feel like the good things will come later. I have quite the story to tell and I am ready to tell it; little by little. Thank you for your support in just reading what I have to say…
I don’t know how you feel about praying to whomever you pray to or if you pray at all…All I can ask is that you stick with me and hope/pray for my recovery. I know in the end this journey will be worth it.