Day two, let’s see how this goes…


Woke up his morning and realized my journey includes going to AA. A very scary thought for me but one that is going to help me on my path to health and stability.

Stability, what an interesting word to an addict and a sufferer of great abuse, depression, anxiety and more loss than three blogs of 20,000 words could even describe. I will slowly let you in and my whole story will be told if you would like to join me.

Giving up control is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I have hit rock bottom. So deep the depths of the earth cannot describe what is going on in my soul. I cry for help but the echo of my voice never reaches the surface of the earth; outside the hole covered in sunlight, green grass blowing in the warm wind.

You may ask what is going on that I feel this way and I think it is time to explain…

Growing up was torturous, for example sexual and emotional abuse among constant fear and being physically tortured. Having a mother that new and did nothing is something that has made me feel abandoned my whole life. (I can get through this I keep telling myself) even right now. I started my life over when I was just a teenager. People took me in and showed me unconditional love. Unfortunately the trust I have had in that love comes and goes year after year and thus I feel abandoned, not by them, by me. Abandonment is a pretty bad thing to feel. (SIDE NOTE- Why is the word pretty used in a negative context when pretty is pretty is a word meaning beautiful? There is nothing “pretty” about abandonment. Perhaps I should use the word very, enormously or extremely.

I hope that whoever reads this and knows who I am will not give my identity away. This is a very important thing for me to do in this process of fully loving myself and learning how to live. If you continue to follow me you will see that I will find a beautiful and healthy path. This my take a while…stick with me. I will share my dark moments as well and the good things. I feel like the good things will come later. I have quite the story to tell and I am ready to tell it; little by little. Thank you for your support in just reading what I have to say…

I don’t know how you feel about praying to whomever you pray to or if you pray at all…All I can ask is that you stick with me and hope/pray for my recovery. I know in the end this journey will be worth it.


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2 Responses to Day two, let’s see how this goes…

  1. raineydayzed says:

    After coming across your blog I decided I would go back to the very start and read through it from there. Not sure if this is the right phrase but I’m really looking forward to reading all you have written and following your progress so far.

    All the best, Nicola.

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