Self destruction is where I am at again my life; again. Last night was a very bad night. Drinking, xanax and a few other things add up to my lost companion: me.
If no one reads this blog I am totally ok with it. I need to do this for me. Typing seems like a much faster way to purge.
Like I said, last night was hard. I am gay or bisexual or something. This is a whole new life; a new way of living and looking at the world. To finally be honest with myself makes me wonder if I should have.
This last year has been very hard. I cover up my sadness with joking around, because I do think I am an amazing comic. Dark deep sadness coated with comedy makes the best comedians; I do think I fit into that profile.
I feel very alone right now. I know “feeling alone” is what most people who are “down” say…Oh well. I can only imagine your assumption of me feeling alone is because I have recently let myself embrace the fact that I am gay but it goes far above and beyond that. Past my sexuality come life’s greatest disappointments, lost of trust and a battle to keep my head high and the comedy going. I deal with cramming these “things” deep down. I finally cried the other day for the first time in months and months. Perhaps that is why I feel as though I am falling apart now. Perhaps I am falling together. I have been in such darkness before but this is different. The difference: I will get through this, I won’t give up and somehow I will become greater than what life has handed out to me and those of us who have had to continually scrape and claw our way out of the trenches of life’s challenges and woes.
I am sure I sound like I am feeling sorry for myself, I am. I am being very selfish. Perhaps I should be?