Self destruction is where I am at again my life; again. Last night was a very bad night. Drinking, xanax and a few other things add up to my lost companion: me.
If no one reads this blog I am totally ok with it. I need to do this for me. Typing seems like a much faster way to purge.
Like I said, last night was hard. I am gay or bisexual or something. This is a whole new life; a new way of living and looking at the world. To finally be honest with myself makes me wonder if I should have.
This last year has been very hard. I cover up my sadness with joking around, because I do think I am an amazing comic. Dark deep sadness coated with comedy makes the best comedians; I do think I fit into that profile.
I feel very alone right now. I know “feeling alone” is what most people who are “down” say…Oh well. I can only imagine your assumption of me feeling alone is because I have recently let myself embrace the fact that I am gay but it goes far above and beyond that. Past my sexuality come life’s greatest disappointments, lost of trust and a battle to keep my head high and the comedy going. I deal with cramming these “things” deep down. I finally cried the other day for the first time in months and months. Perhaps that is why I feel as though I am falling apart now. Perhaps I am falling together. I have been in such darkness before but this is different. The difference: I will get through this, I won’t give up and somehow I will become greater than what life has handed out to me and those of us who have had to continually scrape and claw our way out of the trenches of life’s challenges and woes.
I am sure I sound like I am feeling sorry for myself, I am. I am being very selfish. Perhaps I should be?
lostcompanion 
Wow…The funny thing is that I am not Gay. Looking back I was so fucking lost and scared….I remember feeling so alone. When I look back at this post, I remember feeling such a BIG fucking dark cloud over me. I could not imagine making it to 6 months and here I am.
Feeling alone. Don’t I know it.
I have a suicide addiction recovery story that you might be interested in reading. I was there. Suicide was my only focus for many years… after I got sober it was worse. But God recovered me from it on May 7th, 1997.
God is good! What an amazing story you have!!!
Thanks for following my blog. I’m just now writing a series on loneliness! Will be up in a month or so.
Thank you so much
The Dark Night of the Soul is a good read.
Thank you!!!
This is an older post and I’m sure you’ve moved on to bigger and hopefully better things. I have moments like these myself. They are fewer and far between, but still happen. I’ve never questioned my sexuality, but my lovability. I’ve questioned whether I’m destined to be a Paul (apostle that never married) or one who IS destined to find that significant other. Writing is cathartic for sure..you should continue. I’ll bet it clears your thoughts when they’re in black and white in front of you. Thank you for baring your soul on this date so long ago. I wish you better days forward. I appreciate the “thumbs up” on my blog and the following. We are all the same mucking about in this thing called life. Good luck to you. 🙂
Wow! Thank you so much! I needed to read this tonight, you have no idea!
This post was a year ago. How are things now compared to how sad and depressed you were then?
Thank you for looking back at my older posts…I can’t explain the transformation to who I am now. Depression is not a regular part of my life now, anxiety can be tho. I have learned good techniques throughout these years to combat anxiety. It means the world to me that you care to go back and read my blog! Thank YOU!!!
Well for whatever reason you just started following my blog so I was curious as to who you were and read this post first. Glad to see the follow-up comments that you’re not depressed but I can relate to that alone feeling. Although I knew better, I often felt like the only woman to have had and lost an alcoholic brother. I find it funny that you found me through what I feel is one of my lamest posts. It’s November which means my writing is focused on National Novel Writing Month. I’m currently fictionalizing my experience–fiction at this point because my brother never entered rehab but the character based on him just did.
Your writing is amazing! Thank you for your comment and support. We are not alone!
Thanks for following me, my blog seems so small compared to yours I wasn’t expecting it!
Why is it that life has a way of creating coincidences for you? Recently (in the last month) I had a bit of a break down, I had been holding things in for so long and I felt like everyone in my life is just leaving either physically or emotionally. It was a horrible experience and I wasn’t expecting it. I had been feeling that way for some time but just before I was trying to look at the positive side to everything, then suddenly BAM! You end up a complete mess. I think that is the main reason I started the blog, I wanted to create a focus in my life. So that even if people leave, which they inevitably will at some point, I will be okay. I will still have something which I can be proud of and which is solely for me.
I am sure that my problems are almost insignificant compared to many other peoples’, but reading your blog has made me realise that things do get better. Thanks!
I understand what you are saying, I started this blog for the same reason.
Things do get better!
Hang in there and don’t ever give up hope for a better tomorrow. I’ve felt like giving up on many occasions, but due to my ambitions to be someone in life I’ve always had hope. I’ve been sober for over nine months now and feel pretty good about it and things are slowly getting better. I know that things don’t happen overnight. I just take one day at a time. I try to wake up each day with a positive attitude and take care of the things that I need to do to the best of my ability. Live life to the fullest with a smile. I admit that I do get a bit discouraged and lethargic at times, but I get over it.
Thank you so much for your kind words!
Congrats on 9 months. I remember when I made it 9 months…I started to live!
I haven’t read your posts yet. But I came here after you followed my blog. Checking out your “about” and appreciate and see the comfort in your responses to your commenters. I like kindness. 🙂
Wow, thank you so much!
I like kindness too 🙂
Hello!
Thanks for following at my site. Hope you find food there, for your soul.
I once was lost, but now am found.
I think realizing we are lost is the first step to getting found. ❤ K
I agree…realizing we are lost is the first step to getting found! Thank you so much!
Being selfish is the first step to believing in yourself. Only then can you get better and learn to love yourself and then others. Good luck and keep blogging – believe me it is a life saver and changer.
Thank you for your support Gilly!
I have not had a chance to go back and read your whole story, but after you followed my blog I wanted to come visit yours. I love to see how you respond to your visitor’s comments with such gentleness, kindness and support. I look for check out more of your story.
If you ever wanna join in an online Bible study give me a shout, would love to connect with you that way.
Much love
Cool, thank you so much. I can say if it was not for folks like you who write such wonderful words or love and support I don’t think I would be going as strong as I am. Thank you so much, you make my night!!!
Thank you so much for the visit and follow at my blog!! Like many of the others who have commented here, I came back to your first post to see where it all started. I am so thankful to read in your follow up comments about how you have come out of the dark place you were once in. It is good that you are finding your lost companion! What a gift! Looking forward now to reading more of your posts!
Joell, thank you for your support. It has been a long road. I have thought about going back and reading what I wrote when I started this blog but for the present time I think I will stay in the present….it will be a journey just to go back and read my journey. I am finding my, “Lost Companion”. Thank you for being part of my journey!
Oh I agree…it is best to stay in the present! Focus on where you are and keep moving forward!
Like others here I came because you followed my blog and liked a post I made. Thank you for that. But if you really want to know more about me please read my other blog, Naked Nerves, and especially the last post I wrote. Talk about lost. I’d say more but why bother? Tho I wonder why the system told me to read this old post. Don’t they ever update these things? Strange, but appropriate. I could talk a lot about my grief over my own Lost Companion – sex. But this isn’t the place. Sorry to sound so negative. Journey well…. I’m glad you’ve come thru whatever was troubling you so positively.
Steve
Wow Steve, thank you for reading my blog….I will read more about you too. I hope you are well, you don’t sound negative, you are honest…THANK YOU!
Thank you for dropping in on my blog. A visitor now and then keeps it from being such a lonesome place. I hope you will come back again someday. I took a quick tour through your site and found a place and a person full of sadness but with evidence of coming out on top of it all. I feel deep sympathy for you in the loss of your father. I don’t hesitate to tell you that I am nearing 85 and have lost a good number of very dear people so I understand some of your despair. Three months ago I lost the one who had been my only brother for 84 years. When one gets this far along in life you know that it is going to happen at any time but that doesn’t seem to make it any easier. I didn’t come here to tell you my troubles but I just wanted to lay some background for what I am going to say next. One of the most valuable pieces of advice I have heard is, “Don’t cry because he is gone. Smile because he was here.” That sounds simplistic and maybe a little shallow but I have found that it is really one of the best things to do. I try to concentrate on the wonders of my relationship with the person and be thankful for for those good times. I also try to find someone else to help fill the void that was left, especially someone who needs my help.
One other thing that I picked up in your blog is that you worry somewhat about getting approval or recognithion from others. My aim has always been to do things because I want to do them or becausse they need to be done. If someone notices and offers their approval, that is always welcome but if your reason for doing something is to get praise and recognithion, you are doing it for the wrong reason. Do it for you own satisfaction and do it to the best of your ability and you will feel good about it and feel good about yourself.
That is enough rambling for this time. Keep on pulling yourself up, you are doing great!
Good evening sir, thank you for taking time to read my blogs and for your comment.
I have taken some time to think about what I was going to write to you in response to your comment. It means the world to me that you took so much time to tell me how you feel and what you think of me and my blog. I appreciate your honesty and opinions.
Of all of the comments I have received your’s has meant the most to me. You have given me insight I did not see. Thank you for your support! Please, don’t be a stranger. I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and have a HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I think a lot of people have a “lost companion” we’re trying to find or recover, usually something in ourselves but also something about God. Both seem equally elusive. As I said on the blog post you “liked,” there are no guarantees except that no matter what we go through, God is there with us. The hard part is that we don’t often perceive Him. If God were a tangible presence, I think life would be different, but faith and trust are so hard.
Jews read the Torah (Five Books of Moses) in an annual cycle. At the end of each book (the reading the ends Genesis is recited this Saturday), it is customary to say “Chazak, Chazak, Vinischazaik (“Be strong, be strong, and may you be strengthened”).” Part of faith is staying strong, but it’s from faith that we draw our strength, for we are all weak and scared in life.
I’m sorry for your father’s passing.
Hello friend, thank you for reading my blog and for your comment!
Faith and trust are VERY hard. God is a hard subject for me, thank you for sharing your God with me…I am on a journey. Perhaps my purpose is to discover my relationship with my creator. Thank you again for your support! Have a wonderful new year!
Here is the key sentence, dear LC:
“I won’t give up and somehow I will become greater than what life has handed out to me and those of us who have had to continually scrape and claw our way out of the trenches of life’s challenges and woes.”
We have all been there, in one way or another.
Hope: If you keep going, you will be given truths and beauties you never could’ve imagined existed.
Diana
Ps: thanks for visiting/liking/following.
Glad you liked “conflict of interest” and hope you like another quip soon. Thanks for your support.
Welcome! Thank you for subscribing to follow my blog. I hope you are encouraged, inspired and enjoy the photos I take of life’s events as seen through the lens of my camera.
BE ENCOURAGED! BE BLESSED!
Be blessed too friend.
Sending love
Thank you Vicki!
I am honoring your honesty, and I wish you light to shine on your path and the wisdom to know that it is in fact already within in you…may your journey be easy
Thank you friend!
WHEW I’M HERE! All those comments, thought I’d never make it. ;P Lost Companion, your initiative to take interest first has led me here, to your very first post. I’ve read some of your posts here and there, and I’ve found that you have inspired a colossal amount of people. I don’t know your name, but you’ve certainly been in my constant prayers. I know God loves you and He’s given me a passion to befriend you for His glorification. I hope you continue writing, it’s inspiring! I’m so happy for how far you’ve come, it really is quite amazing. God has certainly blessed you even through the trials. Oh how splendid! 😀 Keep on keepin’ on!
Sincerely,
theunknowntoall
THANK YOU SOOOOOO MUCH! I feel so blessed to have met you on here. Thank you for your prayers theunknown. I will keep on keepin’ on.
Thank you for reading all that comes with me on this blog, you have helped water this seed I call my soul.
Thank you for visiting my blog and following me. Intrigued by your recent posts, I’ve come to the beginning and have found you to be so beautiful–one day at a time, walking with God out of addiction into all the adventures where the Twelve Steps lead. Enjoy the journey! My first Twelve Step meeting was October 8, 2004. It’s been quite a walk for me, too. (((Hugs)))
Hugs right back friend. I hope you are well in your recovery, thank you for your support! Blessings to you 🙂