Tonight was a huge step,but the rest of my life is an even bigger step. One day at a time. I walked in thinking I was going to be an outcast…Most people there have been going for years and here comes little me. Who is little me?I was so nervous (partly because I wanted booze and because I was walking into a room to announce to a room full of people for the first time that I am an alcoholic). My legs were shaking throughout the whole meeting,I looked like I was trying to stabilize myself through a 9.0 earthquake. I can’t talk about the meeting but what I can do is tell you that in one hour I knew I was starting the rest of my life….sober….scared; but I know in time I will be proud of myself .
The cool thing is that I only have right now and right now is all I have to worry about…not tomorrow….not a week from now…not even when I go to bed tonight (I will thank God for keeping me sober today). I am sober now.
Talking about alcohol at an AA meeting is hard (perhaps because I am a new-be to the sober AA family). Hearing the word liquor is hard as well. Hearing Tequila makes my mouth water so much my throat can’t swallow the saliva quickly enough (even as I type this). The worst is knowing that I can’t get the incredible but dangerous effect of concocting numerous spirits together to drink a breathtaking abundance of alcohol flowing on my tongue as the different tastes fill my palate. It may have been bliss but unfortunately this bliss is not like buying a home and being independent and being relied upon. I have to surrender everything because my life has hit rock bottom; HARD. I know part of the program is making amends. I just started, so there is a little way to go and more sobriety that awaits me before that step comes.
Breath; I just need to breath.
Re-laps is not an option.
I will keep you updated on my journey as much as I can, hopefully on a daily basis. This is important for me to share these things as well as get them out of my head. I think the more I sober up the more I will tell you MY story. My story is definitely one sticking around for. There is a great autobiography I have to share that will be a healing process for me as I go through this healing process of fighting this disease.
Breath. I Can Do This!
Here is a little story of my “story”. As a child my sibling and I were offered alcohol at a very young age (8) one New Year’s eve. The man that my mother married was a German torturer. I remember getting drunk (quickly of course as I was told to). Now that I am dealing with my alcoholism, I have come to remember the first time I was molested, in detail (but I won’t get into that with you).
This is where I am at right now; I want a drink, boy do I want to drink….I am not going to. God keep me sober. What I went through as a kid is not an excuse to drink. Now is the time I need to deal with the pain…The pain I have been cramming so deep down inside of myself I am surprised at this point my innerds have not exploded from my body. I guess drinking was the reason my innerds did not explode. I will heal and defeat the many demons in my life that I have faced with booze.
I can do this. I am doing this. Day 1 of AA. 5 days of sobriety.
Quick side story: At AA this old man who has been sober for years and years came up to me and introduced himself; I told him I am on my fifth day of sobriety. I thought he was going to say something like, “you have a ways to go” or “it’s only been 5 days, what is the big deal?”
He responded with, “wow, five days is a very long time!”
FIVE DAYS IS A LONG TIME…now on to DAY SIX