Well last night was hard…and tonight too. Last night I felt like I was
going to go crazy not having a drink on Friday night. I dreamt about
drinking and being drunk all night and for a second when I woke up I
wondered if I was still drunk from the night before. I feel as though I am
getting to know myself and love me like I should. I know this will come and
go. Alcoholics who have been going to the meetings for 30 years say it
comes and goes. All I can do is thank God for this day and for keeping me
I loved drinking on Saturday nights; especially when I was alone. I would
get into my own little world and “be me.” As I have recently and am slowly
discovering, “being me” is not being drunk and escaping from my life; it is
about looking at life as a sober alcoholic who can let myself feel. My
identity is not being an alcoholic. My identity right now is being a
recovering alcoholic who is trying to heal and become strong. I have been
given a gift to embrace the recovering alcoholics I meet at the meeting, I
already feel like I am becoming part of the family. No matter what lead us
all to be powerlessness over alcohol we all surrendered to that life and
want to LIVE. I am learning that without God and his Grace I am powerless
Now I am not here to preach about God. Everyone has their own God and their
own guidance with whomever they see as their higher being. Either way, it
is an amazing thing when one can finally surrender. Believe me, I am
nowhere close to totally letting go. This is my eighth night of being
sober. I have a long way to go in this journey of surrendering. But! I have
made the first step.
As for tonight…I smoked a lot of cigarettes, drank a lot of water and tried
to focus on what was right in front of me? Let me say that it’s damn hard.
I was watching the game and a beer commercial came on. At that moment I
thought, “There would be nothing better in life than to have a cold 12 pack
sitting right next to me and a cigarette in hand while I rooted for my
team”. I had to let it go. I was struck with so much anxiety when I
realized I can’t do that anymore. I wanted to jump out of my skin. I drank
water and more water and a little more water. After that I could taste the
mixture of alcoholic shots I loved to consume. I can still, as I type this,
feel the warm sensation of a nice shot of tequila going down my
throat…wanting more and not wanting to stop until I can’t see. Reality is,
tequila equals death for me. Any alcohol means death for me. I was dying
emotionally, physically, spiritually and most importantly the love I had
for myself was virtually gone: perhaps hiding in the self dug hole of shame
I dug for myself with the deception I lived in with others and myself. This
hole was deep, dug long before I realized it had been done. The hole has
scratches on the hardened soil. Not marks of trying to escape the hole but
marks of agony until I got my next drink. God gave me a very long ladder to
climb out of that damn hole. The thing is, as the days go by and the
sobriety is slowly cleaning me from the inside out I think it was (is)
God’s hand pulling me out.
I still feel like a lot of me is stuck in that whole…time is all I need and
time is what God has given me. Eventually I will be fully out of the hole.
I will start to build something over it that will always remind me that I
once lived down there for a long, long time but the beauty I build over it,
the strength and structure will keep me from falling.
I thank God for keeping me sober today.
Tomorrow is a new day and who knows how I will feel. I am just thankful for
this day of clarity I was given. This is only the beginning of this frantic
rollercoaster but I’m staying in this damn ride.
My hope is that as you read this you will in some way join me. If you read
this pray for me or offer the world your energy for my strength. It will
come back to you and as I feel your support I will return it.
I will start to share more about my very hard journey in life. I will also
include the good times too…but my point in this is to explain why I dug
this hole and why I am getting out of it.
Thank you my friend