Today was the first good day I have had since sobriety, 12 days ago. As I
reflect on yesterday I see just how much of a strong told alcohol had on me
these last 6+ years and how much it ruled my life. I wanted nothing more
than to have a drink(s) yesterday, instead I let myself FEEL and CRY…then
There are always times throughout the day(s) that I think about alcohol. A
smell or a taste might remind me of the powerful embrace a substance so
easy to get had over me. I have a hard time looking at a liquor store, I am
sure this will pass.
The liquor store near where I live is a pretty nice one. I go in, they know
me, I always joke that I am getting my nightly drink (weather there was
something to celebrate or not) and make jokes about how I am an
alcoholic….and add to the end of that, “but I’m really not.” Then off I am
to where my desired destination is to start the evening with a companion so
powerful nothing else matters once the first drop hits my mouth. I wonder
if the guys know I am an alcoholic. I would go in frequently and buy
shooters, I would tell them they were cheaper and easier to carry around
with me when they would offered me the bigger bottle.
Through the first step of AA I am coming to grips with how much of an
alcoholic I truly am. I would hide shooters all over the place. I needed to
make sure I had alcohol available, even over cigarettes.
AA today was powerful….And I did not go in wanting to crawl out of my skin
and throw the raw muscle that was attached to my bones off of the
mountainous bridge I mentioned in a previous blog. The topic was about the
third step and how the drunks got to know God and when they were able to
surrender their life to Him. It sounds easy but it is really fucking hard
when any type of liquid that had the power to put you in another place was
your “god”. I felt as though the older and wiser men who have been sober
for 30 years or more (and still go to the meetings everyday) were talking
to me. They said stick with this. It truly changes your life. Go through
each step. It is hard. It can be tiring. It will take time but be diligent
in your endeavors to sobriety. They explained how foreign the language was
for them when they started (the terminology and references to the AA book)
but after a while and once you dive into what the book and AA is about and
the grace that comes with sobriety, you will never be the same and you will
look back and thank God you are alive. Well, here I am, alive. Thank you
for keeping me sober today God. I did not have any alcohol, thank you.
Side note: I was talking to this guy that I met for the first time tonight.
He is probably old enough to be my dad…I told him about how bad yesterday
was (I wanted to give up and die). He asked, “do you know why you have days
like that.” (Which will come your whole life but less and less) I
questioned why and he told me, “It’s for days like today. Days when you
Well damn it, today I feel good. I hope tomorrow I feel the same. There is
something going on tomorrow that I won’t be a part of that is VERY
important to me. Pray for me. My second Friday night of sobriety and
dealing with the sadness of what tomorrow will bring will be a test for me
but I do have AA in the evening, God on my side all day and my AA book.
God keep me sober.