It was amazing when I first walked into an AA meeting. All types of people,
races, doctors and dead-beats all alike that have come together for one
thing; to stay sober through God and the dependency of the AA community.
There are quite a few people who if I saw at a store I would never peg them
as an alcoholic. It amazes me….where do I fit in that group. Who am I to
them and who are they to me; time will tell. I am going to keep going, it
truly gives me so much strength and hope.
There are people who range from the age of 16 to nearly 80, all
alcoholics-drunks-sinners-selfish-distrusting of God and others as well as
liars. The beauty of AA and the determination to heal gives us God’s
greatest gift to a drunk, a little blue book that will guide you to find
yourself, truth, God and what living a life of sobriety is about. It is
fucking hard and overwhelming but I am slowly seeing how many positive
changes that can occur.
I talked to this lady after the meeting tonight and I told her I feel like
I am bipolar. I am ok for a minute and the next moment I want to cry and
scream….and again, jump off of that beautiful mountainous bridge that is
there for me to hopefully demolish someday.
She said: “This is normal. You are dealing with years and years of emotions
and tragedy that’s been crammed deep down because the alcohol was used as a
blanket. They are deep and dark. If you are not going through this there
would be something wrong. You are ok and getting healthy. There may be days
you wake up and feel great and wonder what your problem was yesterday and
then next day fall back into the emotional rollercoaster that sobriety
brings for alcoholics…Wanting another fucking drink and another.
Thank you God for keeping me sober today.
At this point I know it is not the alcohol in my system that is attacking
me, it is the nearly 7 years of life that I used alcohol to escape. I have
a long way to go. But again, I am so blessed to have the handful of people
in my life that knows what is going on and they love me unconditionally.
There are a lot of alcoholics out there alone. The great thing about AA is
that no one ever has to feel alone. Attending meetings every day,
connections made with others in the group, building a support system and
making friends is a life saver. Despite the “outside” (not alcoholic)
people who know about my condition who love and support me. I am learning
very quickly that one of the greatest gifts God gives to those in AA is the
community that can be built. Amazing and beautiful!