A woman got up to tell her story. She told about the first time she had a
drink, she was eight and it was New Years Eve.
I sat there for a minute and my mind flooded with a memory I wish I would
have suppressed forever. As I have mentioned in a previous blog, the first
time I had a drink I was eight. My mom’s husband at the time was
“celebrating” New Years Eve with my sibling and me. I don’t recall were my
mother was, I think she was working.
I remember him giving us wine. I liked it so I didn’t refuse. I remember
very clearly how the wine made me feel, I liked that too. I was
eight-years-old, a tall lengthy tow-head with an oversized T-shirt on for a
nightgown. The walls in the room were a mint green and as I recall George
Michael was playing in the background. He asked me to dance. I was shy and
declined. He then told me to dance. I didn’t know how so he moved my body
for me, I felt the wine by then. Looking back I see a little innocent
person in an oversized T-shirt holding a glass of wine and being moved by a
man as if I was his stripper.
I do believe that was the first time I was molested.
Am I an alcoholic because of that night? I don’t think so. Alcoholism runs
in my family and I have a very addictive personality. I have decease. With
this decease I manipulated years of fear and tragedy to escape: as if my
childhood was nothing to heal from. I found that liquor was a great
therapist; I never thought about the bad things. Now that I am not
drinking, I have to feel.
I hate that I have to feel.
At this point I ate more that I still want to escape in drinking.
I was a victim and helpless then. I AM NOT A VICTIM NOW. This is My life.
One of my favorite sayings in Success Is The Best Revenge. My revenge is
being an alcoholic that will never touch a drop of alcohol again. I am
strong, even when I don’t feel like I am I know I am not doing this alone,
my God is holding my hand.
Needless to say all I wanted to do after the meeting on Sat was drink.
I did not.
I know I cried harder that night than I have in my whole life. It was as if
this heavy silver ball was deep down in my gut trying to be pushed up but I
didn’t have the strength. I cried for three hours and then I read my AA
book. I asked God to walk with me.
This is just the beginning of this process.
I hope you will continue to join me.
God thank you for keeping me sober on Saturday and today!