A wise old man said two things tonight that hit home hard and he has been sober for over 30 years.
1. “We change or Die.”
2.” AA is a life saving place for drunks.” (Fuck yeah it is)
This is the hardest thing I have ever fucking done. I am very angry today and want a drink so badly I feel like my soul is one of those loud screamo songs that the lyrics can’t be made out but the mixture of the artists voice and the instrumentals make for a deep dark feeling.
Shit went down today at work. I have no idea why things are the way they are. I can’t even fucking leave to go to the bathroom without putting a fucking sign up. The thing that really sucks is I am finally not alone; they have another person they are ganging up on too but she does not deserve it, nor do I. So I wanted to drink. Thank God for allowance because that was really fucking hard and I had no money to buy alcohol. I took a few Xanax (which would usually calm me down) but it didn’t.
I could not wait to get to AA. The talk was about how people have stayed sober. Most, if not all of the people who spoke said it was the AA community (especially the group I am in….amazing) that has kept them from picking up the bottle. The “blue” book is amazing. The steps are great. A sponsor is wonderful. The most important thing of all is the community in which is built. Most of the time it is the same people who go the meeting I attend. After 12 days of going to AA I already feel like I am part of the family. And that’s just it, we are a “family.” First thing people did when they got to know me was give me their numbers and said call at anytime; they mean it. I have made friends with this person who has been sober for 4 months and she is great, someone I would already call a true friend.
The best thing I have heard so far from a drunk in AA while sharing their experiences Pre-AA Sober Life was tonight. She has been sober for over 30 years and she said how much she loved to drink. Thank God. All I have heard so far is how much trouble people got in, DUI’s, Fights, Detox…the whole nine yards. Now some one I can relate to ( We all have things that every one of us can connect with). She said that she loved drinking and getting drunk. She had a blast, enjoyed herself and was fun. Unfortunately as she looks back she realizes how much she was losing to the “happy poison” that some alcoholics claim as enjoyable. Obviously being a drunk is not that great because hitting rock bottom FUCKING SUCKS, which is why “we” are in AA. I enjoyed drinking too. Alcohol was really good for looking past….well…. LIFE. Sure it felt great some times or most of the time. The thing is, it is not fun. We make fools of ourselves and others. Lie, cheat and steal to make sure we have enough alcohol for the next few days. Saturday nights were the worst because a trip to the liquor store was a necessity, even though I decided Sunday was my sober day it didn’t always pan out. In turn, I loved to drink because I only felt gone and into my own world and no one bothered me most of the time. I guess it was not that great because I did and said things I can’t remember and that is very fucking embarrassing. Drinking was a good excuse I thought.
I felt connected with that woman simply because for the most part I enjoyed drinking to. I was and am powerless over alcohol and in turn the last 7 years really fucking sucked due to the consequences drinking has caused.
I now have to go through these steps (my whole life) to stay close and trust God as well as make amends with myself, people I have hurt and God. So that I hopefully will become a stronger person.
Alcohol may have been fun but it was really killing, alienating, fucking me financially and was detaching myself from the world.
God, thank you for keeping me sober today.
THANK YOU FOR AA