It is nearly Friday (in just a few minutes) and it will be my three weeks of sobriety. I felt pretty good today. I met with my sponsor…I am now on step two: Come to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
In the “Big Book” (AA book) the second step is somewhat of an emotional one for me. One of the things I have to do is break down why I was out of control…the things in life that were fucked up that I was so oblivious to because all I wanted to do was drink.
The first question: Trouble with personal relationships?
– I have strained a lot of relationships in my day while in the search or need for alcohol. One of my siblings right now won’t talk to me and it breaks my heart. I don’t understand why now we don’t have a relationship; I’m getting sober. I think I will become a better sibling as I get closer to God and continue to conquer this disease with the tools God has given me through AA , the AA community, the few friends and family members who know of my disease and the hand He is reaching out to me; this one I am reaching for.
-In the past I was engaged for quite a while but my will for “control” when really I lacked it because I was out of control ended the relationship. Now that person is my best friend but the relationship was strained for quite some time. The bottom line, I needed to be alone to drink and do drugs and drink and party and drink. I thought the person was trying to “control me,” but as I look back now it was an extended hand of hope being reached out to me that meant nothing at the time because the only hand I cared about reaching out was my own…for any type of alcohol I could get my hands on.
God, thank you for this friendship I have with this person now.
-I have had trouble with people at work. I am trying to figure out if my drinking has played a role in the situations that have happened or not. They are pretty evil people to work with. The thought of the times I went to work not knowing how intoxicated I was and probably making a fool of myself did not do much good for me. Right now I am relying on the Grace of GOD to keep me where I need to be. I like my job and I am very lucky to have it.
-I used people. For example, I hung out with my mother just before I realized I was killing myself and at times when I drank hope I would die (but that did not happen very often when I drank) she asked me to go to her house and spend some time with her and maybe get a bottle of wine and relax. I did. I think that night my mother got a clue of how truly out of control I was. We were in the liquor store (the one I have talked about in previous blogs) and they said hi to me because they “knew” me. I am sure that struck my mother as being odd. The thing that really made it obvious: I could not wait to drink. I was so happy the rest of the night. I knew she had more liquor in her room. I went up and got her rum and finished it. She knew, she tole me she was concerned and I told her I had not drunk in a while and I was excited to hang out. Throughout the night I wandered up stairs and took gulps of Jack. I filled my wine glass up more times than my mother knew about. I wanted to get fucked up and the truth is I had drunk recently… probably before I went to her house and I am sure I got waisted by myself the night before. As far as that affecting the relationship, I am sure it puts a strain on any relationship when I lied about drinking and stole alcohol and money so that I made sure I had something all the time. Knowing that I was going to leave her house in an hour, I got really fucked up on Jack and left so that by the time I made it home my mind was so far gone.
Thank you for keeping me sober today. Help me to pray for another who is struggling with alcoholism so that I can get my mind away from my downward spiral thoughts of drinking.
Help me through this step.