Wow…having to totally tear yourself down so that in future steps you can forgive yourself and give it to God and KNOW that He will lift my shit from me is very frightening. I met with my sponsor today. We went through step two then step three. Three is truly surrendering yourself to God. There was a prayer we prayed together, held hands and I repeated after her.
“God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy power. Thy Love and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy Will Always!”
I was looking for that aha moment. The lights did not come down from the heavens and I did not see Gods face. He did open my mind. I now am really committed to doing these steps: a lot of work, tears but also developing a relationship with God that I never thought could be possible. The key is God. I am an alcoholic and I will drink because it is in me, it thrives in me. I know if I do these steps I can make it ONLY WITH GOD. He is the one at work.
God help me. Thank you for keeping me sober today.
Inventory time…I have to think back throughout my whole life and rip apart my soul and mind down to the very core of what a piece of shit drunk I was. I know this probably sounds fucked up and believe me it is but as I start this step God is showing me the lies I told to get alcohol, the deceit and manipulation I did to people because I could not go dry. The manipulation I mastered. I used people. I lived in hell and created hell that clung to me. THIS IS A VERY HEALING STEP…….IF I GET THROUGH IT. I can see how this is a life changing step that really opens the door to seeing what a fucking shitty drunk I was when I thought I was nice and selfless. When it came down to it, nothing mattered more than getting lit.
I only know that If I don’t want to die, because for an alcoholic drinking equals death, I have to do this work.
Three things the drunk community has told me if want to stay sober: Go to the meetings, get a good sponsor and do what they tell you to do even if you don’t understand it because they made it AND truly give yourself to God (or to your higher power) and let him control your life. God will take me where I need to go, I have to let him guide me. I am not in control. When I was in control I was fucked up, my life was fucked up and sadly I fucked with people to get what I wanted even if it was just one drop of the liquid I once knew as my companion.
I will continue to keep you with me through this step. I assume I will end up with 180 pages of inventory. Therefore, I will share some with you throughout my process because I know in whatever way, who ever you are and for whatever reason you are reading this you are with me.
God thank you for keeping me sober.