First of all, I realize this step is about letting go of the thinking of “me” and the ego as well as the selfishness every alcoholic is, that I am.
I have not written for a few days…This weekend was a very bad weekend for me. I didn’t do much when it came to the fourth step. I cried a lot. I tied to pray a lot too. This is a very hard step for most alcoholics, as I am sure it is for everyone who is an alcoholic and going GOING CRAZY.
Accentual there are three steps to the fourth step in AA. It’s about clearing your soul and mind of anger, hate, sadness, the destruction caused with deceit, manipulation, lies and so on….. It’s also about the pain that others have caused in your life and how you felt to the very core. I have done 3 pages so far and I have no idea how many more I will do. All I know is that I have a lot of shit to put down. This scares me. I feel like crying all of the time. The thought of alcohol still greatly lingers.
The first thing I wrote about was my sister and the night I begged her to take me to the liquor store. I was so angry with her because she wouldn’t. I already finished the shit she had in her apartment; that I probably didn’t even ask for. I remember being so fucking angry because I had no money and the buzz I was feeling was nothing close to where I needed to be. I couldn’t believe she would let me suffer like that. How selfish of her right? Well, as personal inventory goes I was wrong. Now being sober and wanting to fucking drink now just to escape this one memory I realize I was one of those drunks. I guess all alcoholics are “one” of those drunk’s; anything for a drop. Fucking sucks.
Right now it’s about God opening my heart and showing me what I was. I believe it is because once I go through this step I will have a better image of what I can be and what I am.
This really fucking sucks.
I shared in the meeting tonight that this step makes me realize what a piece of shit drunk I was. I didn’t say that so that others would disagree or comfort me. In fact, in AA it is just the opposite. A handful of people came up to me after the meeting and told me I am right where I need to be. This step breaks alcoholics down and this is the step that really tests weather you really are devoted to surrendering your life to sobriety and God and doing the work. Apparently, this is the step where people bail. The statistics I have heard about the amount of people who actually make it through their fourth step is crazy; let’s just say not many. As I learned this weekend, I shall see if I do. If I think “I” will do it I will fail. I must do the work but give it to God. Giving it to God is a really hard thing to do and I think to survive this step that’s all I can do.
Thank you for keeping up with me my friend’s
God, thank you for keeping me sober today. PLEASE help me deal with the emotions of this fourth step. Please help me be diligent in staying with this and I pray this may cleanse my soul. Your will God.