I made my first amend today. I realized that I really hurt this person so badly I can’t imagine how that person could forgive me. I took months of that persons life (there was truth in my feelings) but I lied and used that person who is truly one of the most amazing people I have ever met.
I know I am on step 4 right now and making amends is step 9 but I felt as though God was telling me it was time for that person; it was.
All drunks realize through inventory just who badly they fucked people over, that’s why most people leave AA and become a drunk again at step 4. Well not me today. God kept me sober today. I see that a lot more people have been reading this, thank you. Just to know that people out there reading this helps me feel less alone.
I feel alone a lot. Alcohol was a great companion. Now I am having to train my mind (chemicals) in it to think differently. As I have learned recently, to truly understand the mind of an alcohol you must be one. We see through very different colored glasses, wet or dry.
I can’t believe the amount of people that I have hurt. I know I need to focus on the step at hand but my God, I had no idea what I did for alcohol and how much it ruled my life. When I was talking to the person I made amends with tonight I realized that I would allow nothing to get in front of alcohol. The person took it personally (and rightfully so) but I tried to explain that I would abandon anything for alcohol. God could not have come before alcohol for the years I drank, one thing mattered: escaping and knowing what ever I would escape into was better than anything I could face sober; not I see the face is alcohol is beautiful lie. I explained that I had to come to God myself and let him take this from me. I can’t even understand how that person felt when he tried to help me.
I got off the phone and cried and BEGGED God to hold and comfort that person and to forgive me. Right now I am not worried about my forgiveness as much as I want God to relieve that persons pain. The person I so badly harmed told me that they had already forgiven me.
God thank you for keeping me sober today.
I really have wanted a fucking drink since I have been doing inventory. I did inventory today about an issue that went on when I was a child and beaten. Inventory seems to be about looking at everything….and I mean everything.
I need to write an inventory about how I was whipped with ropes that had knots at the end of them…fucking tortured. I really want a drink.
God help me.