The joys of remembering SHIT and not drinking

Hello, my name is LostCompanion and I am an alcoholic.

I’m sorry I could not write yesterday. I made it, day 32. Last night was horrible, day 31. I had memories I never wanted to think about again. Last Night SUCKED! I felt like I was going crazy.

As I drove home from my meeting I remembered I had two dollars. Two dollars would get me one shot. A shot would give me a start…but where would that end for me? I would probably drink myself dead at this point.

When I was 9-years-old or so my mother’s husband found a sock in the junk drawer. He asked me and my sibling why it was in the drawer? We didn’t know, or maybe we didn’t want to say in fear of getting fucking beaten. He had us sit down at the dinner table and cut up the sock and made us eat it. I guess that fucking showed us huh?

Another great memory: He and my mother were arguing at a neighbors party; they got in a fight and she left. We had no idea where she went. My mother’s husband took me and my sibling to the house. He had me lay in bed with him. I remember getting up and going to the fucking window, wishing my mom would come home and hoping she was ok. He had me join him in bed again. I don’t think I need to go into more fucking detail. He did things to me. I was not being beaten so part of me felt loved. I was so ANGRY last night that I felt “love” from a “dad” like that at 9-years-old. I didn’t think it was much of a loving act as it went on. Here’s the kicker…My mom was on the side of the fucking house, being a fucking idiot the whole time.

So did I fucking drink last night? NO.

This program, AA, is truly my only salvation. God is the only one keeping me in one piece right now. I got through the night. I called an AA friend and talked to him for a while. I did what God and the steps have led me to do in those situations and I got through last night.

One fucked up night down. Tonight is ok. I think this is the first day since sobriety that I have not cried.

God thank you for keeping me sober yesterday and today.

I lift up my pain right now for the cousin of a person that is very close to me who is an addict and alcoholic. I pray for a friend of mine that is struggling with alcohol. I also pray for the old man who came in to the meeting tonight. He had the shakes and I think he was drunk. It broke my heart. Hold him tonight Lord. Thank you for also giving me my sponsor as well as the family and friends who believe in me. God you are my all. Please keep me focused on you. I need you!

This fourth step sucks. Lord get me through this!

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