I was thinking about the amount of insecurity and anxiety I had when I was
drinking. It was very bad on a daily basis. I was always paranoid that I
was going to get in trouble and everyday I walked in to work I was going to
be told I did something wrong. Well the fact of the matter is I did get in
trouble a lot and did do things wrong, I was not all there.
Now that I have had this clarity in my sober brain I seem to have let go of
most of that anxiety and paranoia.
I have also been thinking about the last seven years and how there were
periods of time when I was sober, the sobriety did not last long and the
times were so few I can only recall three. I was in rehab/institution.
Yesterday was probably the best day I have had in the last 33 days. I
didn’t cry and I didn’t feel great by any means but I did ok.
I have to remember to pray more. I forget about God a lot because for the
last seven years I have put him on the back burner. I’ve got to focus
more. There is someone I am interested in. It’s very hard for me right now
because of where I am at and where my focus needs to be. I have to focus on
the thing that is going to keep me alive and strong. Life right now is
about sobriety, it’s truly the only relationship I should have in my life
for a very long time. I need to take everything outside of my dry world slowly. It’s hard to do that. I don’t even know where I am with things…a lot of things; I just know I need to focus.
It took a lot to write about the crap I remembered the other night. It felt
good to get it out.
This is a major form of communication and healing for me so thank you for reading and sticking with me.
God keep me sober. Take away this anxiety. Thank you for the support I have
in my life.