36 Days. Depression. Death and Striving for Life

Hello, my name is LostCompanion and I am an alcoholic.
 
It’s been quite a few days since I have blogged. I really should blog on days when it’s the hardest and I want to die. I actually cut myself off from the world when I get like that and I know I shouldn’t. Today is Sunday. Today is going ok so far. The limited abilities I have in life right now are very frustrating but I know this is where I need to be.
Unfortunately it is affecting the very important relationships I have in life.
 
Thursday’s thoughts were about dyeing and drinking. I feel I am being unfairly attached by a woman at work who has been trying to get rid of me from the beginning. I will sum it up with I had a really bad fucking day and wanted a way out. I don’t ever remember a time feeling so hopeless and alone. I had nowhere to escape. I talked to a few people in my AA group who understands wanting to die to wanting to find a way out with fucking drinking. The BIG thing in AA is if you feel like I did pick up the phone. Well I picked up the phone and thank God there was someone on the other line.
 
I wish I was not an alcoholic.
 
I think these last few days have been very hard for me because I have not had my focus on the Lord. I have not been praying. Inventory has been so fucking traumatic  that I stopped doing it which I know now is a huge mistake.
 
Friday was a little better. I still felt hopeless. I hate the fact that I can’t give much to the people in my life I don’t want to lose but I don’t know what else to do other than surrender to God and focus on AA. I want to live even though I feel like dying. This sobriety thing is getting harder and harder.
 
To my friends and family: time with you does not seem to workout due to my schedule and/or restrictions and for that  I am truly sorry. I guess I understand if it’s too hard to stick with me. If you do, thank you.
 
I still went to the meetings this week. I didn’t call my sponsor for a few days. I am still mourning a relationship that I had for 7 years. I HATE facing the shit from my life. I feel so much anger at times. I think the anger is what pushes me to the edge; an edge I have not jumped off of.
 
I went out for the first time in 36 days with an AA friend yesterday. I forgot I was an alcoholic for a few hours and felt like I was living. I laughed a lot. Thank you God for giving me that experience. I pray I can have strong and healthy relationships in my life with the “norms” (non-alcoholic) people in my life as I am with the AA’s.
 
God, please help me do well this week at work. Please help me stay strong and not drink. Please help me  FOCUS on AA and you much more this week.
I know I wanted to die because I was straying. Straying for me equals death.
God please keep me close, protect me, help me know the truth and most importantly stay sober. I love you.
 
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