Hello, my name is LostCompanion and I am an alcoholic.
I decided to write about last Thursday night.
I had many thoughts about dying and committing suicide, in-fact I though about driving head on into a tree as fast as my car would go. I thought about walking into traffic, I thought about overdosing. I thought about drinking myself to death. I truly wanted to die. The circumstances in life were so much to think about and contemplate. There has not been many times in my life that I contemplated suicide. Drinking or suicide was all that was on my mind that day. I ended up going on a long walk with my fiend in the middle of the day and told her that I wanted to give up. Shit I loved going home or going out with friends and getting fucked up…it really was great for me (until the last year and a half or so). Even through that time I still liked to escape because I was a fun drunk; alone or with others.
Why wanting to die? The things of the world and that day was so overwhelming I had nowhere to go. What got me that day was knowing I had a meting to go to….that helps me not feel alone.
How sad something like a liquid can take your mind and body to such a different and surreal place. Most of the time I never wanted to leave….most of the time I made sure I didn’t have to.
I have talked a lot about booze being my friend and companion. I still feel that way but things are starting to change. It was the kind of friend that promised so much with the first drink but by the end of drinking (blackout period) the friend lost touchwith me and a yearning for more when I reintroduce myself into the sober was horrible. If there was not more, life was never worse. I somehow always ended up with it. I would go a few days but was hard and most of the time it was because I had no money. Now this is when the Piece of Shit Alcoholic comes in and I lied and used people to make sure my friend was always there. This so-called “friend” is one of those phrase: misery loves company and that company interfere with life. The cycle felt good most of the time and the yearning for more was unbearable; if there was no more. I never had ro wait too long. Fuck, being an alcoholic sucks.
I envy those who can socially drink and be ok. I have always thought it was funny when people would order one or two glasses of wine: TO BRING OUT THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD. I hope this does not offend anyone but I always thought….That person was a frikin idiot. Why not just drink a glass of fucking grape juice. If I was going to have wine it would be the whole fucking bottle and them some.
Here I am. Made it through Sunday, May 15, 211: Day 36, without drinking. The thought has crossed my mind a lot today. In the meeting someone brought up vodka. My mouth was watering. Thank God I have some great friends most importantly GOD and AA to help me.
Good night to those of you who have been with me through this.
God please keep me sober tomorrow and thank you for keeping me sober today.
I need You!