Hello, my name is LostCompanion and I am an alcoholic.
Time to realize that I can no longer blame alcohol for the shit I have done in the past. Alcohol is a really fucking good scape-goat though. The disease sucks but what sucks more was my behavior.
I fucking hate the fourth step. So I realized I need to look at the shitty things I did. I have spent the last two weeks writing about how I was wronged (60+) pages. I did three inventories today about…well…what a piece of shit drunk I am and I could not believe I disrespected the three people I wrote about so badly. I already want to jump into amends but I need to wait. What sucks, is now I really need to dig deep and let this “stuff” out. The reasons I drank, what I did when I drank, how I treated people and the people I used…and the list goes on.
Her is an example of something I wrote about. I was with someone and we were out with a lot some friends. He said something in a joking manner that I got upset about and I smacked him in the face at the table, hard, right in front of everyone. I can’t believe I disrespected him so badly but its easy to blame it on the tequila. Fuck tequila. Fuck alcohol.
I have wanted to drink less and less (small, small, small baby steps!!!!!!!) as the days go on.
I have a great home group. They know me now. I can be honest when I go into the meeting and say I want to fucking die. Someone said something funny tonight.. “This is the only place (referring to the group where we are a family) that its ok to say God and Fuck in the same sentence. I am so happy to have this fellowship and we all understand why using those two words together is ok.”
I know God is ok with that. He gives us alcoholics who truly embrace all that AA has to offer: miracles, sobriety, fellowship, pain, loneliness, wanting to die, wanting to live and teaches us how to know and love ourselves and others. Now I am not saying this shit is sun-shine, rainbows and lollipops (as the person I smacked in the face would often say) but at nearly 40 days of sobriety, I’m doing ok today.
TOMORROW IS 40 DAYS
If I get to 60 days: I have to remember it’s not me, its God. I pray I won’t stray…God keep me protected. The reality for an alcoholic is you could be at ten years of sobriety and somehow slip, thinking you can casually drink which will lead to either starting over or dying . It could happen anytime to any of us. One second at a time… One minute at a time…One hour at a time…One day at a time.
I think I am at one half of a day at a time.
Readers: Thank you for reading this and sticking with me.
God, thank you for keeping me sober today.