The Depression

Hello, my name is LostCompanion and I am an alcoholic.

When I drank I was ALWAYS up and down, almost like I was bi-polar. I had a lot of friends to party with. The next day after drinking started with either not remembering what happened the night before (blackout) or could remember the events and know we were total idiots but it was a “riot.”

The riot was what was going on inside of me day by day. Not only have I struggled with depression and anxiety and I take medication for it, I mixed it with many different forms of liquid on a very scary regular basis. Seven fucking years…Seven fucking years I was so jacked up. NEVER mix alcohol with antidepressants; makes you fucking crazy. For a while I was a total FUN fucking crazy person but things change, they always do for an alcoholic.

I have lost friends, relationships and people in my family have had enough of me and stopped trusting me, I can’t say I don’t blame them. There are times I feel so alone I want to sleep and never wake up. The obsession of alcohol is the worst. Recently the obsession has subsided but only for a very short period of time. When shitty things come up all I want to do is open my windpipe and let it flow. I don’t need to taste it, I just need to keep it down.

The depression is there. I feel a lot of loss.

The flip side: the amount of mental stability and clarity is slowly getting better which is worth is so far.

I can do this. I have gotten through the hard times and I am still here, slowly building my life back up.

One fucking small step at a time….sucks.

I can’t wait to see how I feel on day 60 if I make it. I wonder if I will still feel this sadness or loss and emptiness? I pray I make it.

God, please help me make it to see.

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