too far gone

Hello, my name is LostCompanion and I am an alcoholic.

It is absolutely fucking amazing to me how people who are not alcoholics seem to know what the disease is all about. Trust me, if you are dealing with an individual who suffers from this disease and they ARE willing to get help and WANT to get sober, learn about alcoholism. Some people in my life don’t even pretend to know, they just leave. I guess that is a good coping mechanism for them…in all honesty I can’t blame them. Getting sober sucks. Realizing it takes this much work is exhausting. And throughout this work I realize how much I hurt people. Why would they trust me now? Time will show them, if I can stay sober. I think I can. I hope I can.

God Help Me.

 AA: The program and the relationships that are being built there are forever a part of my life. I am slowly accepting that and I’m relieved I have this.

 I have written many blog’s about my feelings and thoughts but not enough about my disease; the things that enticed my drinking, the things I did and the people I hurt; so here goes.

 I wanted to be something in the religious community when I was a child. My sibling and I were molested and beaten by what some would call a stepfather. I call him a Nazi because of the joy he would get from the torturous things he did to us. As I shared recently in a meeting, I did not want to get into drugs and alcohol as a child so I dove into religion. Throughout our teen years when the Nazi was no longer in the picture, I would get so mad at my sibling when allegations of sexual abuse was brought up. I was not fucking sexually abused and neither were you! 

 The first time I had sex, I was 20. And I remembered, I remembered we were sexually abused. That’s where the disease took over, the hatred towards God completely took over and my life was instantly out of control.

 Within a few weeks of the recollection of the sexual abuse I started to eat a lot, I couldn’t sleep and didn’t want to because of the dreams, cried and was depressed all the time and started to drink. Finally, one night I went into the bedroom of the person I was living with, woke him up and said I needed help. He asked me what I meant and I told him I wanted to die. The thoughts, memories and body memories had taken me over. I was so sleep deprived that I thought the TV was talking to me……My mind was gone. That man, who is my best friend to this day, went on-line and we called a suicide hot-line. One of the most horrifying things I had ever done was get into what looked like a fucking police car (bars on the windows and a glass plate protecting the driver from the crazies he escorted to the asylum) and drive away not knowing what was going to happen to me. In the car, looking back at my best friend,  the man I had sex with, the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, I realized he had experienced the most horrifying thing he had ever been through too. He was so sad and I know he wanted to take my pain away……But I was too far gone.

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