Hello, my name is LostCompanion and I am an alcoholic.
Short and Sweet tonight: Here I am. Sitting at my desk trying to think about what to write and how I am feeling…..
I feel somewhat content. In a very minuscule way I feel God’s presence. Don’t get me wrong I want to fucking drink but I am feeling I need and want God more than a drink, right now.
If I get afraid of what could be for my future I will stray.
I am lost. I don’t want to be in a relationship. The little bit that I have put out there is quite overwhelming. In AA they say not to get into a relationship for a while. I do understand that. Just the thought of being with someone takes my mind away from what is important.
God help me be focused.
When I was driving back from the meeting tonight I realized I need to focus solely on myself and how God can fill my life. I have decided I am ok with that. I want to to see the people I may be interested in but I don’t want to mislead anyone at the same time. Just thinking about going into a place like a relationship brings up the emotions I had while wanting a drink.
God please protect me.
A good friend of mine came by with her kids tonight so she could meet my family and be on the “cleared” list. By the way, the “cleared” list are people who are important to me and my father wants to make certain that my friends know that my well-being and life is at stake. I met my friends beautiful kids. I’m not sure if I told you but I was married to an alcoholic. I had some step-kids of whom I loved dearly. I loved them like they were my own. In a way they were. I married my husband because I did love him but the lifestyle of drinking ALL THE TIME TOGETHER was enticing and appealing. We met at a bar….that was going to be our life and we were both in love with that idea; more than rationalizing the marriage I think. Anyway, my friends kids are amazing. Beautiful and full of life. I felt like I did when I had my step-kids. This is yet again another scary territory.
God, thank you for this day and for keeping me sober. Thank you for a good day at work and the beautiful people I have in my life that support me.