Hi, I’m LostCompanion and I am an alcoholic.
After writing the last blog my mind went a little bit crazy. I want to drink so badly. It is highly suggested that in early sobriety, if you’re not in a relationship don’t get in one. I understand that concept. I’m going to be raw and truthful here. There may only be a few of you out there that may know me that read this and again I ask that my identity not be revealed because I am using this blog as therapy for me. I want to be able to say and write anything about what’s going on,how I feel, what I do and what I want to do and so on……I also ask that if you do know me, please don’t bring my blog up in discussion. This is an identity I would like to keep anonymous.
I am not the type of person to sleep around but I am fucking horny. I can’t get in a relationship, right now my relationship is the program and God. It’s hard though. I have been struggling with my sexuality as far back as I can remember, 15. I really liked this girl, more than any guy I thought was attractive. With all of the bullshit going on in my life at the time (abuse and so on…..) I couldn’t open that door. First of all, with the faith I was raised in I would go to hell. Secondly, I focused on religion because I had no other “healthy”way to deal with the pain inside of my mind, body and soul at the time.
This new year I decided I wanted to finally let myself understand what I am; bisexual or gay. I feel such a stigma that being bisexual is not ok. You are either one or the other. To that I tell those people fuck you. Just like I tell the people who compare quitting smoking with the disease of alcoholism and having to fight for your life to stay sober. I’m sorry I am being so blunt. It is very late and I should have gone to bed hours ago but I have a lot on my mind so I thought I would write. After all, that’s what this is for.
So…I want to get lit and have sex. I am horny and fucking angry about the things I am writing about in inventory. I want a damn escape. I tried porn, that was not much help. The funny thing is I don’t ever watch porn. It was what it always is anyway, the same damn thing; been there done that for the most part. I know if I have sex with someone (woman or man) I would get attached. It is as simple as that and I can’t fucking get attached right now. For how long? Only God knows the answer to that one.
I was talking to a friend I made in AA about my sexuality and how I am struggling with it. I am trying to give it to God right now because it really should not be my main focus. As I recall I am 45 or 46 days sober. I am just now learning about me. This is just the start. I would just really like a fucking rum and coke right now. I am not sure if wanting to drink has something to do with the fact that I am horny out of my mind; it probably does. No matter what a drink would more than suffice. Ok, maybe one to start out with and I would go from there.
Ok, I am going to try to go to bed. I didn’t drink and I haven’t but I really fucking want to. Man! It’s been a week or more since I have wanted a drink this badly. I can’t sleep because I want one. I’m tired of being fucking tired. Excuse my bluntness and my choice of using the word fuck in this blog after ever five or so words. I can’t explain the frustration I am feeling. I am so damn lost. I am pretty low right now. I’m going to have a cigarette and try to go to bed. I will let you know how I end up tomorrow…..I juts pray that God will keep me sober because I can’t keep myself sober. The obsession and the yearning for a drink right now is so overpowering I have thought about the extremes of finding something, anything, to get me drunk. For some reason I want to smoke bud. Bud is not even a part of my life. I just want to escape my mind right now and I can’t. I honestly know that weed will do nothing for me compared to alcohol. The fact of the matter is, none of those things will solve what’s going on in my head. It’s a remedy for death. Sometimes I wonder if the remedy is my solution.
I feel guilty praying to God for help seeing that I just looked at porn and masturbated (which by the way ended up doing nothing for me).
I will still pray though.