I’m LostCompanion and I am an alcoholic.
Today was ok. I guess not wanting to die makes it a good day. Fucking 45 days. Crazy.
I would like to share how I feel when I drank (the good times) and I am sure many of you can relate. First of all, I loved to drink: with people, go to bars, alone, in the fucking car, lunch hour at work….you name it. The best is when I went to family functions and I would take a handful of shooters in with me and go to the bathroom every half-hour or so and take a shot. It went splendidly with the three or so I took before I left my car to walk into whomever’s house it was at. I felt like I could just relax and be me and not worry about what anyone thought about me and so on. Looking back they knew I was fucking lit….at the time I didn’t care if they knew. I was being pleasant and enjoying myself and fucking putting up with all of the family bullshit going on (good or bad).
Now I am in no way glorifying my alcoholism but damn it I need something to wrote about when I want to fucking drink; like right now. At least I can reminiscing about being fucking sober.
I thought I had skill driving down the highway, steering with my knee….tipsy to drunk or in between and rolling a joint. It was “FUN” at the time but shit I could have hurt someone.
I loved going to karaoke bars and getting fucked up. I am a very good singer but when I have had too much not so much. The bar I frequented for years had an amazing patio and a fire pit. I wound sit in front of the fire pit, meet new people and chill with the good friends I had made over the years. It felt like home. But that home was full of alcoholics that did what I did….fucking drink. The mentality was to get through the day (trying to be sober) and party until the bar closes. I fucking hated when last call out in the patio was at 1am. Smoking cigarettes while drinking was AWESOME. I could smoke a pack an hour and on most occasions I did. No fucking wonder I am in such debt.
So for a while there nothing was better than having drinks, friends and at the time of being drunk not giving a shit about my life and the troubles I was having. I got really good at manipulating people to buy me drinks. I was every ones friend and party hard so they would supply when I needed it because I was an awesome drunk to be around.
Rock bottom, when the drinking actually does not cover or hide the problem it becomes your worst enemy that you can’t let go of. It’s like keep your friends close (the bar) and your enemy closer (the liquor). It took me many years to fucking figure out I really had a problem. A year and half ago when I started to be concerned I just drank more…it would fix that. Right.
I really did have some fucking wild and awesome times drinking and drugging. That all caught up to me though. Here I am day 45 and STILL want to drink. I want sobriety and a clear mind and a healthy life more.
The problem….through this journey…AA becomes more intense and drinking becomes more appealing. I heard statistic yesterday; out of 7 drunks 2 make it. Not very good odds. Well, so far, tonight I am one of those two.
God, thank you for keeping me sober today. I love you.