I am not going to proof-read this. I’m tired.
Hi, my name is LostCompanion and I am an alcoholic.
I should have been in bed hours ago but mixing depression with junk food (I was told to replace the sugar that I would have drunk and incorporate it into my eating) and sobriety….I am fucked up.
I ate a lot of shit tonight. Not only do I feel like shit because I am not drinking now I have gained 20 pounds and I feel even worse….not to mention inventory.
I don’t eat much during the day because when I had little money I would make sure I had an empty stomach when there was not much alcohol around. Essentially, I would plan my fucking days around the money I had for alcohol and if I had enough to get fucked up. Needless to say, I have repeated that pattern but instead of drinking I have been eating a lot of shit.
TO THE PEOPLE WHO KNOW ME. THIS IS MY BATTLE. I WILL GET THROUGH THIS. I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHAT I WRITE. I NEED MY IDENTITY KEPT A SECRET. THIS IS A HUGE PART OF HOW I AM COPING WITH LIFE RIGHT NOW AND IT IS REALLY FUCKING HARD!
I looked online and searched for the easiest way to throw up. I can’t believe I did it. My fucking mom has bulimia. I don’t think I will do this again. I can’t keep this pattern up. Right now I would rather fucking drink than eat. I want to call someone. In AA they say pick up the phone….it’s really early in the morning and what the hell do I say, hey I just made myself throw up…can you fucking talk to me…..I kinda feel like I want to fucking die.
I feel guilty that I made myself puke. I can’t keep gaining weight. It’s like I am working on how to live with a fucking piece of shit disease and now I am replacing it with another habit that could fuck me up too.
I am so lost right now and I feel so alone. In this loneliness I don’t want anyone either. Right now I feel like I want to die. I am not going to commit suicide but God what the hell is going on in my life. Why can’t things just fucking go right?
The obsession of drinking started this last Friday when I spent the weekend in bed because of another disease I have. It’s a crippling disease and I have to deal with it; take it as it comes. Friday was the worst. I have never felt such pain in my life. I could lift my right arm….I wish I had a fucking drink in it.
So I threw up the shit up that I ate tonight. I did NOT drink. I have not been praying to God. I really need to reevaluate what the hell is going on with me?
If you are one of the few people who know me please, don’t talk to me about this or tell anyone. I will be ok, I am getting through. I would feel better if you don’t read these blogs anymore because the further I go in sobriety the more sick I see I am and the harder I have to work at getting healthy and I need this forum in which to aid in my process.
God, protect me.