Do I want to die now? Not die now….just not exist.

Today was ok.

I could not write yesterday. I guess on day 47 God decided to show me just how much of a fucking alcoholic I am and what the disease is; my life long fellowship of letting God protect me. I wanted to die. Literally, I was at the meeting….Thinking about the $40 in cash I had in my wallet (for an oil change) and how much alcohol I could buy with that. I know with $40 I could have gotten enough alcohol to fuck myself up enough to drink…..drive my car off of a cliff.

They said I experienced the first and second step: TOTAL POWERLESSNESS OVER ALCOHOL. GOD IS SHOWING ME THE TRUTH ABOUT ALCOHOLISM.

I felt something that I can only describe as total and utter hopelessness and pain and the need to die. I have not had alcohol in me for 46 days but it felt like every cell in my body yearned for just one fucking drop. I thought just the smell would take away the mental obsession and ease the pain.

I sat on the couch after the meeting and cried so hard I thought I was going to throw up. I am totally and utterly overpowered by this disease. They say this is progress but one would think progress meant thoughts of joy and healing not suicide. When I think about drinking I somehow seem to turn those thoughts to death to divert my mind from drinking. I am sick. I am crazy. Alcoholics are sick and crazy.

They told me today that if I get through these 12 steps this will be lifted from me.

Death. Alcohol. Which one sounds better right now? I don’t even know. PLEASE GOD take this obsession from me. I want to thank you for saving me last night. My natural reaction is to isolate. I called my sponsor instead. On the way home I begged God to let me feel him. When I talked to my sponsor she told me God is protecting me and was there because I did not isolate and picked up the phone. I also went home and gave the $40 to a family member, told her to take the money and hold it for me for the weekend.

I had to end something beautiful tonight because the only thing, relationship, purpose and every breath I have has to be my marriage to AA and the pain and joys that go along with it.

Do I want to die now? Not die now….just not exist.

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