Good evening. A “friend” of mine on Facebook asked me today why I am so hard on myself? I responded to him right away but as the last few hours have been passing by I have been asking myself that.
When I was 13-years-old….after being video taped by lawyers and investigators as well as the police a custody evaluator said something to my mother that I will never forget.
He told my mom; “You better watch out. With the amount of abuse your children have endured they will probably go down a path of sex and drugs.”
When I was about 13 (shortly after that being said) I decided I wanted to be a nun. I can’t remember if I have mentioned this nun thing in previous blogs so if I have, forgive me for the reiteration. I decided I would divulge myself into faith. I prayed constantly: rosaries, novenas, confession every week, sometimes daily mass and threw myself into books that were about saints that suffered so much in their life time, only through God did they survive.
I guess what I am getting to is that at the age of 20 I became what that man told my mom..I told myself I would never become anything close to that. I knew God had great plans for me. I dove into the Faith as strongly as I dove into other addictions in my life. I have an addictive personality. Religion is not a mental disease like alcoholism, anxiety and depression (of which I struggle with all tree). I feel like when the alcohol entered my life, I would be able to dull the pain and it did for years and then it stopped working. Even though it stopped working I never put the drinks down. Alcohol: the liquid to forever cover up the feeling of being a fucking failure….turns out that’s not true.
Here I am, 48 days. Longest I have been sober since I can remember.
I know God is here. I made it this far. Through the abuse I should not have survived some of the things that were done to me. I should not have survived the drinking and drugging (I did drugs on a regular basis mixed with alcohol and pain pills for several years) and pile on the antidepresants I took.
Today was not too bad. Thank you God for keeping me sober. Thank you for that friend that wrote to me on my Facebook page. Thank you for the fellowship in AA and the support that I have.
The desire to drink is so strong. I have never wanted anything more, not even God. Right now he is the One I am turning to and it’s almost been 49 days. Many people go through this with no help from people.
There is this cute old man who I sit by a lot of the time in AA. To help me get through I wrote the number 48 on my hand. He said 4×12=48 (4 in regards to the step I am on and 12 for the 12 steps). Later in the meeting he leaned over to me and said,”You know in 12 days you will have made it to day 60!”
That was so awesome.
Thank you for reading my friends. Pray for me and I am praying for you.