God, thank you for keeping me sober.
The last few day’s that I have not written is because I have been exhausted. I need to do this everyday, it helps. When I don’t sit down at this damn computer and write after a few days I seem to go more crazy in my mind.
Today, Memorial day, a day to remember our vets; Thank you to those who have or are still serving.
I was married to someone who was in the military who is also an alcoholic. Our alcoholism didn’t quite match up most of the time. The beginning was great. This weekend I have been thinking a lot about that marriage. I have blamed him for most of the reasons things didn’t work out. I was totally destroyed because I truly believed he was my husband for life. Then we ended. I believe I am done with my resentment part of the fourth step. When I divorced my husband I never let myself cry throughout the whole process. Saturday night I spent three hours crying and writing my fourth step about the marriage. I have avoided the marriage the whole time. The sadness of losing my job, car, home, step-girls and dog as well as the life I believed I would have with my husband, FOREVER, has been overwhelming. Saturday night helped me heal in ways unimaginable. I never mourned. Alcohol was my “healing” companion that “helped” me get through the heartbreak. I was so angry about the failure of my marriage it became a joke and alcohol definitely made it more funny. I have no way of getting in touch with him except for one email address. I think he may be in Afghanistan. I wrote to him and told him that I am in AA and I realize the marriage was not all of his fault and that I would like to make amends with him if he is willing. I told him if he decided not to write back, he should know I am sorry and I am praying for him. He and I met drinking and our last encounter was taking a shot before I walked out of our house, kissed, then departed for good. It was a good finish to a sad marriage. One last shot with him.
God, I pray for his safety and that you will help him with his alcoholism.
On another note: Today was my tequila day…When I started off with that being the topic of conversation in the meeting today my friend looked quit worried. I didn’t drink. It has been quite some time since the mental obsession has completely taken me over. I was back to the beginning in my mind as far as not being rational. I cried and begged God to take that from me and to protect me. He did. After many tears and begging he did. I feel ok right now.
On another-another note: I spent the day with my best friend. We walked by a liquor store and that’s when the mental obsession started. Since that I wanted nothing more than tequila. I can nearly taste and smell it. Fuck it sucks. We ended up hiking which was awesome; it helped me get my mind off of the obsession and I practiced think about what was in front of me, experiencing God and time with an amazing friend.
It was actually hard to be with him only because I knew he could go home and drink. I knew I (by the GRACE of GOD) couldn’t and I felt utterly devastated. I got through it. I went to my meeting and here I am.
Thank you friend for sticking with me.
53 Days! I can do this. It’s now (for the most part) hour by hour, not minute by minute or second by second. I think some progress is happening.
God, thank you for keeping me sober today. Please help me stay sober tomorrow and have a successful day at work.
I hope I remember this…… I would like to tell you about my biological father and the anger I have towards him because I feel entitled to an amend. I have talked to a few wise people in my life….. This is a good story for tomorrow.