I am going to call this day the ultimate desperation of wanting to drink. I am totally powerless over this deceiving symptom of consumption for an alcoholic. Powerlessness doesn’t explain what I was FUCKING feeling today. I WANT TO DIE RIGHT NOW.
I want to smell, feel and taste whatever the fuck I can put my hands on. I have been realizing my alcoholic brain is trying to manipulate me into wanting nothing more than alcohol for the littlest things. Some shit went down and I reacted immediately in my mind….drink. Every minute that went by I became more and more obsessed about drinking. I went to a different meeting tonight than I normally do so that I can see my sponsor. The meeting was miserable. I tried to get out of myself but alcohol would not let go. I don’t know how I got home from the meeting. I talked to a few people on my way home, crying. The depths of my soul was so dark. I wanted so badly to fucking drive off of a bridge…I pictured a place where I could go to blow my brains out. I know many people were praying for me, I did not have the strength…I just yelled out to God…asking him WHY ? I felt so low. My mind felt like it was literally going in circles that I nearly wanted to spin my body around just to keep up with myself. I got home and I cried. I hit my knees asking God to take this from me because all I was thinking about was booze or dyeing. Luckily I have some great people who love me unconditionally that I got to go home to.
Besides, my AA “brother” and I made a promise to each other: we would not die alone. The great gift he and I have in each other is that when he is down I am usually ok and vise versa. There are times, like tonight, that Bro could not make it to a meeting because he could not find a way there. When I called him he was down and I told him how down I was too. It was a very somber fucking conversation but at lease we are not alone.
I did not forcing drink tonight.
God, please help me be successful at work. Thank you for keeping me sober for days. Please give me the strength to continue in my sobriety.
I ask that you be with my friends and family
YOUR will be done. Please take away this paranoia and obsession for alcohol.