She let me cry

Every day at work I write the number of days I have been sober. Today is
56. One of the gals at work asked me what the number meant. I told her it
is my lucky number for the day. She asked me what yesterdays lucky number
was and I told her 55. She looked at me weird and I told her every day I
have a lucky number and I hope it keeps going up every day.

Today so far is a good day. At the STRONG advice of my sponsor I needed to
write the fear portion of the 4th step. I have been balking on it since she
and I met on Monday. That day I wrote “some” but it was when I was with her
so does that count? I went to bed and wrote….I ended up writing a list of
maybe 35 fears. The list will continue. I know I am to dig deeper into
those fears but as for last night I wrote and that was good enough for me.
I am seeing that when I skip a day on doing what I am instructed to do in
AA I seem to not lose my mind as harmfully as when I work everyday.
The fear inventory scares me, imagine that…. I fear most things in life I
think when I get down to it. I fear being alone, I fear my loved ones
dying, I fear people I love not supporting me…apparently that equates to
fear of abandonment. I have always known I have a fear of abandonment. God,
as far back as I can remember I felt abandoned. F, I fear if I run out of
cigarettes abandonment consumes me.

Since Sunday I have felt such a darkness in my soul. When any little thing
comes up that upsets me my mind instantly goes for a drink. They say it’s
the alcoholic mind. It’s not the alcohol it’s the disease. The disease in
my mind tells me that a drink will fix it. I have not missed a meeting. I
have picked up the phone and talked to my AA friends and called my sponsor.
I go home and I live with wonderful people who support me and somehow
understand that this is a sickness. They let me cry and scream if I need
to.  I have two best friends. One is an AA best friend and the other is a
friend I have had for seven years. Without them I don’t know what I would
do.

The gift I have been keeping from myself is God. I don’t know why. As I
write this I pray, “God, please protect me as you have been. Please help me
focus on you more and more and help me to get outside of myself. Amen.”

The darkness I felt was hard. I felt empty. I could not even pray
for myself so I called and talked to some people and asked them to pray for
me. Two nights ago all I thought about when I was driving home from the
meeting is driving off of a bridge. I felt my only options at that moment
was to die or drink myself to death at that very moment. I called my
Grandmother and she talked to me almost the whole way home. She let me cry
and go off about my sickness and how I feel like I can’t take not drinking
anymore and that I want to die. God must have used her to save me because
by the time I got home a lot of that dark pitifulness was lifted.

Thank you friends for sticking with me.

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