I am sure there will be times that I want to die again, given this is the
pattern of the disease; today I don’t.
I have been having weird ass dreams lately; my sibling won’t let me see my
nephew, probably for good reason. I had a dream that he died and the last
time I got to see him was in a casket for his funeral. That little boy (5) is
the most beautiful thing in my life. I love him as if he is my own…. I
got to talk to him a few weeks ago and first thing he told me is that he
misses me and wants to have a sleep over again. He asked me why I haven’t
seen him. I told him that I have been very sick so right now I can’t see him.
I had another dream this weekend; I was so close to my 60 day and I took
one shot of blueberry vodka. After the shot I knew I would have to start over from day
one. The agony of these last 60 days seems unbearable to have to repeat. The shot was great and I needed more because one was not enough. I decided I was on the path of death with alcohol and the path would lead me to the grave very soon. In fact, I remember being in my dream and I drank myself to death. I truly believe of I drink again I will kill myself with it very quickly.