“I want to give up”

I didn’t want to write yesterday. I had mixed feelings about my 60th day. I was happy and frustrated. I shared in the meeting that I can’t believe I made it 60 days. I have never been sober for 60 days. the thing is, I feel like I put down my last drink yesterday… I just wanted to take a break on
day 60, go to bed somewhat early, talk to a few people, cuddle up with the few people in my life that are like my parents and let the day go.

The people who aren’t my parents pretty much are. She is an older woman. She is the only thing I have had that is a mother. I have a mother but she is someone who didn’t protect me and my siblings; even now, no protection
and she does not even know it. Since I have started this program so many emotions and feelings have surfaced from my past. My crazy horrific and abusive past is coming so clear to me sometimes it’s like I am still in it.
Therefore, anger, resentment, rage, sadness and feelings that truly can’t be described have become part of my daily living and my slow process of healing. Back to that woman. I normally don’t get to close to her, she is tough and strong and I feel at times I would look weak. When I first moved
in with them she held me a lot. I needed that mothers touch last night….I can’t remember a time I yearned for her to the depths of my soul. I put my head between her shoulder and chest and wrapped my arms around her arm and help on for dear life. “I want to give up”, I told her. “This is just too much. How am I going to get through this without a drink?” I cried and sat up and took her hand and held it on top of mine. Her hands are so beautiful. I was rubbing her worn and wrinkled hands so gently and felt her veins. That was my mothers hands. When I was a child I would do the same to my mom’s. She also had strong hard-working hands, I know that, but hands that could not hold up the umbrella of my past. The woman, whom I consider Mother, had hands of protection. I worry about the time when she passes and how I will deal with it. My mind goes directly to the bottle. The damn bottle that was a “friend” for several years to suppress the agony when in
turn as I did not realize, I was creating more agony that i now am having to face as well. She is an older woman, she was older when I met her but she is beautiful and I am so blessed to have such a mother in my life-like her.

The times I have written about having a dad and wanting that protection, even at my age has now become low on the totem pole. I NEED her, my mother, to hold me; she did. I may need that for a while. Her husband is my father.
I have felt that since I met them but there was still this void. Now I think the void of a father is being filled completely by God and him. Now the mother aspect of that void is being filled, I’m reaching out to what I
know she will always give me. I need to reach out.

Work….why is it that work is such a trigger. I felt ok today. Something happened and all that went through my mind was tequila and not just a fucking shot, a whole damn bottle.

God please help me. Thank you for keeping me sober today… Please help me make it to-day 62. I can’t do this alone and right now I feel as though I have entered into a dark place. Please PROTECT ME.

Protect my friends who are struggling right now too. They need it oh God.

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