After the meeting this morning I talked to a woman who had been molested when she was a little girl. She told me about the healing power of the 12 steps. I told her that the clarity of thoughts that come into my mind are so overwhelming I just want to die.
Last Wednesday I was at the 7pm meeting. Earlier that day something happened at work. Before the event I was doing ok. This stupid thing happened and BAM, I could literally see (in my mind) right in front of me this glowing fucking bottle of Tequila. ALL DAY. I could taste it, my mouth was watering….I never felt like drinking and dying at the same time than I did that day. So I managed to make it to the meeting. Of corse the topic was about the 4th step and of corse for the first time in 61 days I was called on to talk first.
My fucking head was spinning. I thought about how to describe the feeling…..It’s like when I am drinking my mind is like a full bottle of alcohol spinning on the ground. It’s slow because it’s full and I can drink and get fucked up, black out and wake up the next day knowing that bottle will be full again. Now that I am not drinking when I have my crazy moments I feel like I have an empty alcohol bottle spinning in my head but because there is nothing in the bottle and it’s rotating so quickly, I just want to die for it to stop. I JUST WANT TO FUCKING DRINK!
So when I got called on I told the truth. I said I was fucking angry and no one told me it was going to be this hard. That I spent quite a few hours at work thinking about how I could die…literally die. I will say I was somewhat suicidal and I expressed that in the meeting. That I thought by day 60 I would feel a little fucking better but I feel worse and it felt like I had my last drink just yesterday. My body was very tight and closed up and I was on the verge of tears…but really I had a few people in mind I would like to have been able to strangle. I was a bit loud when I spoke and irritated. I was angry that this work takes so much out of me. I couldn’t get out of my mind, not even enough to really pray. Then I got up and left. I went home, cried in my “Mothers” arms, took a shower and went to bed. I needed to just end that day before it ended me.
When I told my sponsor about Wed she told me I chose a drink over the AA. Luckily one of the guys that was at the Wed meeting was talking to me when my sponsor came over and joined the conversation. He said he has left meetings before and it didn’t mean he was going to drink…and I didn’t. He told her that after I left the topic became about new AA members and how most of them don’t say how they feel and tell people what they are thinking. I think she realized I actually did the right thing with being honest in the group and understood I was so FUCKING overwhelmed that I just needed to go home.
I think it was the worse day I have had in sobriety yet. Day 61.
Next, I need to tell you about the most amazing moment I have had so far, it happened today. I’m not on a pink cloud…but I feel a hell of a lot better than I did on Wed and I feel like God is showing himself to me slowly, as I have mentioned before. I will write about that soon. It’s a really cool story but I have already written three blogs tonight to catch up and check in.
I am still alive and I am still sober.
God, please help and bless all of the people who read this. Thank you for their support by following me. Please hold and keep brother close to you. Please help all of my friends in AA. Please help me with my job. Let me see the things I need to change and fix instead of playing the victim and blaming things on others.
Night, I love you. Hold me tonight please, I need my Father.