I’m not afraid to die

I spent a lot of time looking for a job on-line today….If I don’t get a job within the next 10 days, I will lose my car. I am not sure what to think about this. I am trying not to freak out but I am. Tonight I think all of this shit hit me and I want to drink so fucking badly. Most of the drunks I know have or are using the bus for transportation. I think it will be a humbling experience. I am trying to put all of this in God’s hands. The amazing thing is that the mental obsession of alcohol has subsided greatly. Sure the urge of drinking is strong right now but it’s part of the disease. I am very aware that I am still so young in sobriety. 73 days. Amazing.

I have been dreaming about drinking a lot. I dream that I drink and kill myself with alcohol because I don’t think I have the strength to start over. I have made great progress but this disease fucking sucks.

Looking at things with my old job, I see that I was wrong in so many ways. I am sure the alcohol interfered with how I presented myself as well as how I performed. Looking back I see there is a lot that happened that I could have done differently. I allowed the women I worked with to treat me like shit and damn was I treated like shit. But damn am I am alcoholic.

In the mornings I would go to work very drunk from the night before. I would have to assess (internally) how fucked up I was to know how I should drive and how early to leave. I actually enjoyed going to work like that. I seemed to enjoy my world more. I would take caffeine pills to get through the day and spend the night doing what I did the night before. I was alone at nights, drinking, playing on the internet and drinking. Of corse I talked to friends but that lead to blackouts. When I would wake up in the morning I tried to remember who I talked to and what we talked about. I would go to work wondering if one of my friends who I could trust there was the one I had conversed with the night before. Some of them called me out on my drinking but I always made a joke of it. Looking back that was the only way I could cope with my drinking. I knew I had a problem, I knew for a while before I entered AA…I was ok with it because I was ready to die. For the first time in my life I was ok dying. After the divorce, I was so broken-hearted, devastated…everything inside of me changed. My heart got dark and I was ok dying. It’s becoming very difficult to be sober and deal with my broken heart. I am now feeling the remnants of sadness I suppressed. I pray to God he will keep me strong and sober.

I have been balking on my inventory. I’m very near being done but I have stopped writing. I have been isolating and have become more internal with my thoughts. Being in “self” is very bad and I need to change that, quickly. I have stopped focusing on God and praying.

Thank you for reading. I will try to write everyday again. This is just as important as the 12 steps….But the 12 steps come first. I will go and do some writing right now. I feel like dying right now, mainly because I feel like drinking. I hope to wake up tomorrow and be in a better place.

God, thank you for keeping me sober.

I’m not afraid to die.

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