I just got back from my meeting. I looked for jobs half of the day and slept the other half. I have been feeling very depressed… I contemplated not going to the meeting but I went. Not going to a meeting means choosing a drink over sobriety (my sponsor says).
I prayed that God would tell me something in that meeting that would help me. One guy spoke about how his fist year was the worst. He broke parts of his body, his mom died and he had no job…He was a drunk for 20 years or so but he didn’t drink. He got through it and he said he is living a life worth living and nearing his 9 years of sobriety. I spoke and told of my woes and how I am now sober and I lost my job and I’m going to lose my car and that I am falling into a depression but I am still 75 days sober. The last guy who spoke mentioned that we can sit here and say that now we are sober so why isn’t life working for us but the truth is we are suffering from the remnants of being an active drinking drunk.
He is right. It hit me, he is right. I know the circumstance of my job had nothing (in the eyes of those I worked with) to do with drinking. These people didn’t like me from the beginning and in fact most people don’t but I had the pleasure of having to be in their department and deal with them. But I was thinking, if I had not gone drank at certain times I bet I wold not have made little mistakes that pile up for them. This also reflects my finances and the dozes of payday loans I took out…I have no money to take care of my car. The car is not even in my name because I fucked myself financially.
I have to humble myself. I can’t blame anyone but myself and I need to accept where I am and why I am here and take responsibility for what I have done. I am sober, therefore, I now have to be an adult and face the things in my life that have come from my drinking…. In 75 days, all damage can’t be fixed. This will take time.
God please keep me sober. Help me to not isolate. Help me to pray more. Your will be done with this car and a job. Please help keep me sober. Please help me continue the work. Please keep showing me things like you have tonight. Please take away this depression and help me to get off my butt and go outside and be active instead of feeling sorry for myself and feel depressed. Amen.