Sometimes I want to die from this disease, drink, let go and die, DRUNK. It sucks. Tonight I just wanted to disappear.
I got a job. I got to keep my car and I got to have my sister and my nephew in my life again. I should be happy, right?
Last night I had a dream that I was with the Nazi and my sister and mom were with me. I tried to get away but I couldn’t. They were scared but didn’t want to leave. I was filled with rage and anger I tried to attack him but no matter what I did NOTHING penetrated him. It was as if a shield was protecting him. The place we were in was not the same house that I grew up in and was abused in. It was oddly shaped…little windows….nothing on the walls and empty. I wanted to go home, leave that house and be rescued but I had no way to communicate with anyone outside of that world. In my dream I got away and was able to go to a gift shop but by the time he found me I was unable to contact anyone.
I woke up so many times last night. When I have great dreams and I wake up I don’t seem to go back to them….not this dream. It felt so real I could feel it all day today. I got to see my sister and spend time with my nephew, that helped. By the end of tonight all I wanted to do was fucking drink. I just want to drink…but I know I will kill myself with it if I do. Crazy I know.
Remember, I am only 78 days into sobriety. This has been one of the first times I have felt this way in a few weeks. I guess that’s a good thing. I felt like dying tonight, I just want to escape this disease. I had $108 in my pocket to pay a bill and not one time did it cross my mind to use it on alcohol. I have the alcoholic mind but I am seeing great improvements when it comes to the “what if” planning for a drink. Looking at that scenario from today I see that this is working, God is protecting me but I feel so goddamn weak right now, again. 12 more days until I hit 90. I think I am going to drill a small hole in my 60 day chip and wear it around my neck (under my shirt).
I have not written much, if any inventory in the last week or two. I should not have stopped. They say don’t stop and I did and I see the effects f emotional damage that causes. I started to again yesterday; I’m sure that plays a part as to where this dry alcoholic mind is at the present moment.
God, please help me to get closer to you. I have not been praying so please help me to remember and see you in all things. Please take away this anxiety. Your will Lord.