80 days today. WOW

I started my new job today. I actually really like it so far. Granted it is day one but it is similar to the best job I have ever had. Thank you for your prayers.

The mental obsession is gone. I am going to write this blog and then I am going to try to finish my fucking inventory.

I went to a different meeting this morning (one I have heard of but never been to) and it was crazy and fucked up. People walked in yelling and cussing at each other. This girl was clipping and painting her toe nails while the meeting was going on. People can smoke in the place (which I like because I smoke) but holy shit it was way too…well…not f0r me I will say. It does not seem like they work the steps and the woman leading the group was a lunatic. I mean, I know all of us alcoholics areĀ lunatics but damn… So needless to say I am going to try a new group tomorrow morning. I am now working late so I can’t go to my home group during the week but I will go on the weekends. I called my sponsor when I walked out of there. She knew about that place…like I told her, it was a good experience because I know what I have in my sponsor and the groups I go to and I am so damn lucky my home-group is what it is: Amazing!

I have decided at this point in my life I am not a good friend, at all. I am trying to be. I can’t please everyone and I am still a bit up and down so there are many times I just don’t want to fucking talk to people. I am sure I will lose some friends because of this but this is life and death. I’m sorry to the wonderful people in my life who love and support me….I am working on myself.

Right now I am not even thinking about what I want as far as my sexuality at this point. I can’t even go there. My mind can only take so fucking much right now. The days are easier but I still need to focus. When I have not focused in the last 80 days I end up wanting to die and come close to contemplating suicide. I can’t end my life….I have so many fucking blessings. Man, I am so damn blessed.

God, please help me and guide me. Amen.

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