For some reason I have been feeling more and more sad about my failed mirage. I still love that man. I pray for him and hope he is well. I think he may be overseas….Military.

I have been thinking about the good times I had with him at the star of our rollercoster mirage. I truly married him for life…I am not sure why I have ben thinking about him, my step-kids and the majic of what we had. The start of our relationship was like am amazing scene from a movie. We both thought our whole relationship would be like those two weeks we spent together when he went back overseas. I waited six months for him to return…two years ago this summer. For some reason the memories of what we had then and the amazing love we had while he was gone is roating like a fucking record. I pray to God that He will take this from me. The thing is, I never want to be with him again. I am getting help with my alcoholim. I’m not sure where he is on his alcoholic journey but if he is living the same lifesyle we lived together he may not be in a good place. I pray he is. I have to let this go. I truly loved that man with ALL that I had and wanted him for the rest of our lives.

Then….I make my mind push those thoughts away and I try to feel what I felt when we were not working and it ended. It was some CRAZY times…Fuckimg Crazy. I think I explored different avenues with my


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