I wanted to not exist, I actually still feel that way right now.

Last night was a great night. I went to a baseball game which is one of my favorite things to do in life! I spent my time with my best friend and saw amazing fireworks.

Why do I feel so fucking down?

I was so angry near the end of the game. I went to the smokers section, had a smoke, looked at the amazing sunset and despite what I consider overwhelmingly amazing surroundings I fixated on fucking alcohol. The smoker’s were all standing around with their three or four beers each (it was after the 7th inning) and laughing and having fun. Fuck I wanted to drink so badly. I was able to compose my emotions and finish the game and watch the fireworks but as soon as we were leaving I saw 1/2 empty glasses of drinks and beer people had left and I could not help but thing how great that would feel going down my throat. I wanted so badly to escape. When I got back to my seat from smoking I asked myself: why I wanted to drink so badly…what do I want to escape from?

My answer was not so simple. I wanted to not exist, I actually still feel that way right now. I am angry and sad. I am sad about my x-husband. I am sad it did not work out. I truly loved that man with all that I had. He is in the military and the 4th of July has always been my favorite holiday so it’s bringing up a lot of feelings of when I was home waiting for him to return from Iraq 2 years ago, praying for his safety, drinking the days away waiting for his return and spending every moment with my phone in sight waiting for his phone call.  I truly believed that man and I would be together, forever, husband and wife. We are no longer. I have not talked to him for months and we split just over a year ago. I don’t think I dealt with the divorce in a healthy way. I left, kissed him good-bye, told him I would always love him and that I was better than him.

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