As I was saying earlier this weekend has sucked for me. A lot has been going on in my fucked up brain. I went to church tonight which ended up being great. I was able to go to my home-group for the meeting tonight and it was awesome. I was with my people. I got to hug my friends and cry. They know about my alcoholism very well and I am so thankful to have that.
I got called on and the topic was on the tenth step and how it helps in our lives. Seeing that I have not made it to the tenth step I talked about how I deal with my anger. I shared about the game I went to last night and the anxiety and fear I had walking 7 blocks downtown to get to my car and was led down (as what I referred to) bar alley. People everywhere drinking and smoking and laughing and having fucking fun. I was so iterated. I was hoping some fucking drunk idiot would start something with me as I walked to the car. See, I was fucking sober and if someone drunk walked up to me and started something I would love to have fucked them up. Fucking breathalyze this Bitch, I’m fucking sober. The reality that I can’t drink like that: sitting at a bar and just have a few…having fun with friends in the downtown scene…being in control. It hit me like a ton of fucking bricks. I had so much energy inside of me I thought I was going to explode. FUCKING EXPLODE. Then I go to the meeting tonight and see that this is how alcohol tricks people, my mind can be taken over by this disease at any time. Sure for a while drinking was fun but what got me to the point of turning to AA, God and a willingness to fight this lifelong defeat of sobriety? Utter despair. Drinking was an escape that brought me so down I literally could not take life anymore; I tried to kill myself with it almost 90 days ago.
Needless to say I have been smacked in the face by alcohols 2X4… The deception that drinking was that great and I was not able to share in the fun. It is so much in every cell of my body this weekend…right now. It’s like being so thirsty you would do anything to get water or you will die. That is what I am dealing with because of this damn disease. Every ounce of me yearns and hurts of that fucking liquid: to escape life.
I am sober. I have not had a drop of alcohol. Thursday will be day 90, a big fucking day. I even took work off that day so I can consume myself in meetings and make it to my home group, be with my people and get my 90 chip from them. Thank you God for my home group; I do know I am very blessed.
I FINISHED INVENTORY….which is FUCKING HUGE….AMAZING….THANK YOU GOD!’
So I have a lot going on in my head and my soul. Today I was feeling so low and felt like God was not around. I was at church and a thought got into my head to have God write to me. So, I got my pen and paper and wrote to myself from God. He told me he loves me. Don’t give up. I will get through this. He is my loving Father who wants me to come to him and He will protect me.
It actually helped me. I am going to try to remember when I feel God is so far away or I can’t seem to find him at all, grab a pen and paper and write down how much God loves me and how he sees me from his prospective. God is good. I got through the day sober, thank you God.
I can do this.
My friend asked me if I should take some mood stabilizer. I can understand the suggestion but as I have learned (which is why people in the AA community are so close) this is what alcohol does. It is a disease….an illness that is not curable and will always be here. I am still so fucking young in sobriety…this is going to happen. I am being honest with myself, God and the people around me as to where I am at. A mood stabilizer wont fucking take away the effects of an alcoholic mind…only God can. I am on a journey, it is life long………
Thank you my friends for reading this and keeping up with me.