I just watched the movie Leaving Las Vegas with my best friend…wow.
People have told me I should see it; it’s fucking crazy. I cried so much and there were parts I had to look away, I couldn’t take it, I saw myself. Throughout the movie I wanted to fucking drink so badly. Then there were times I was thankful I don’t drink anymore. Fuck, I have seen how alcohol has ruined and negatively impacts so many in my life and the people around me recently. I have a friend who is going through so much…This friend wants to stop drinking but is realizing it has taken over. Thank God my friend can open up to me. I know what this person is going through: planning your life around alcohol, making sure you leave wherever you are to get home in time to make sure you can get fucked up, making it to the liquor store before it closes seems to lead to a panic attack if it’s 10 fucking minutes away but your still 8 min away, making sure if it is a Saturday night to get enough to get you through Sunday or your fucked, angry at yourself because you don’t want to drink but you do any, because you NEED to. This friend, my best friend, has always been here for me, my whole adult life therefore, I am not going anywhere, I just can’t put myself in a position where I am around liquor. I have another friend that does not know if the family can survive given the effects that alcohol has caused. Two people in the last few months have died from it, both around 30-years-old. Not to mention the people who come into the doors of AA never to be seen again, or seen on the side of the street downing a fucking bottle of vodka with no care in the world. That person had been going to AA and sobered up, I guess it didn’t last. Crazy what this shit can do. I have a friend that’s family died from this disease… 5 out of 7 die from it, so far I am one of the two that have stayed sober. I can honestly say I don’t know what will happen to me.
I have been sober for 100 days today. Things have been going pretty well. I have missed quite a few meetings this last week and a half. I feel “fine” but this is when a drink creeps up. The movie I watched tonight put me back where I needed to be. The reality that I was once like that, not completely, people drink differently but it brought me back and I didn’t ever want to allow my mind to be in that place. Thank you God!
The crazy thing is that when I first got sober my AA friend and I made a pact that if we could not do this sobriety thing we would get a shit ton of coke and alcohol and go to Vegas…that would be the end. I don’t think I am going to go down that road…not for now anyway. I don’t think I ever will: Please God protect me and my friend.
I said goodnight to my grandparents, who I live with. I went to my grandmothers side of the bed, knelt down and she cupped the left side of my face with her hand. She knew why I my spirit was in torment. She just rubbed my cheek as I took her hand and held it tightly to my cheek as I cried. She gets the pain, I don’t know how but she does.
I am finally going to 5th step with my sponsor tomorrow. Thank you God, I need to move on. I am stuck inside myself, fucking stuck. I NEED TO GET BACK TO BEING INVOLVED WITH AA. When I was more involved I was stronger, more confident in myself and was around people who fucking get me.
God, please help my 5th step be what I hear it should be. Please help me pray more. Keep me SOBER. Thank you for my friends and family. Help my sister but keep me away. I need to focus on my sanity or I will drink, this I know.
Be with my friends who suffer from this disease; one way or another. Hold them.