I am 110 today….In the last 110 days of sobriety I have figured out a lot about myself. For the first time in my life I have been sober as an adult to truly take myself seriously and try to figure out who the fuck I am. Granted for a while of sobriety I could only see one thing in myself and that was to try to be sober minute by minute, then hour by hour, then day by day and now I am doing the steps and working and taking time to think and talk to God. I am at so much peace in sobriety. Don’t get me wrong, I am sure, absolutely sure the devilish curse that this disease has embedded in my soul will come back and the thoughts of drinking and the yearning to escaping….in fact a few days ago I wanted to escape because I was feeling a lot of anxiety but I was able to release those thoughts and prayed for God to take that from me. Granted, it did not disappear or go away right away but it left me; I could sleep and wake up with the feeling that I can be sober that day. I’m finally feeling peace so this is good. I am definitely not on a fucking pink cloud, I actually think it’s a blessing because I have to keep my eyes open.
I am on a business trip and I never thought I would be able to go anywhere and not drink. This hotel has a fridge….When I walked in I prayed there was no liquor in it and made a plan that if there was I would call the front desk and ask them to remove it. There was no liquor.
When I first got sober I had no idea who I was and what I wanted: sexuality, career, living and if I wanted to live. I have come to find that I am not gay or bisexual. I am a heterosexual woman who is terrified of men. I love being alone right now and nothing scared me more my whole life than being alone and abandoned. I am not abandoned, God is here. I chose to abandon alcohol, it did not abandon me and I was so goddamn afraid to let it go. I did feel very lonely for a long time without it when I quit drinking, I felt like I lost my best friend…I was not sure how to go on, but here I am and I am living and still learning how to: SOBER.
I’ve come to realize with this new job that I love marketing, I think I want to go to school for marketing and/or business management. I pray I can start school this spring.
I’ve paid off so much as far as bills go. I thought I would always be in debt. I was prepared for it because I had to make sure I could always afford alcohol. Now, I am paying my bills off and I have been able to buy things I need, like shoes, and still pay bills off.
God, please help me to stay sober. Please help me to discover more of myself.