I’m 110 today

I am 110 today….In the last 110 days of sobriety I have figured out a lot about myself. For the first time in my life I have been sober as an adult to truly take myself seriously and try to figure out who the fuck I am. Granted for a while of sobriety I could only see one thing in myself and that was to try to be sober minute by minute, then hour by hour, then day by day and now I am doing the steps and working and taking time to think and talk to God. I am at so much peace in sobriety. Don’t get me wrong, I am sure, absolutely sure the devilish curse that this disease has embedded in my soul will come back and the thoughts of drinking and the yearning to escaping….in fact a few days ago I wanted to escape because I was feeling a lot of anxiety but I was able to release those thoughts and prayed for God to take that from me. Granted, it did not disappear or go away right away but it left me; I could sleep and wake up with the feeling that I can be sober that day. I’m finally feeling peace so this is good. I am definitely not on a fucking pink cloud, I actually think it’s a blessing because I have to keep my eyes open.

I am on a business trip and I never thought I would be able to go anywhere and not drink. This hotel has a fridge….When I walked in I prayed there was no liquor in it and made a plan that if there was I would call the front desk and ask them to remove it. There was no liquor.

When I first got sober I had no idea who I was and what I wanted: sexuality, career, living and if I wanted to live.  I have come to find that I am not gay or bisexual. I am a heterosexual woman who is terrified of men. I love being alone right now and nothing scared me more my whole life than being alone and abandoned. I am not abandoned, God is here. I chose to abandon alcohol, it did not abandon me and I was so goddamn afraid to let it go. I did feel very lonely for a long time without it when I quit drinking, I felt like I lost my best friend…I was not sure how to go on, but here I am and I am living and still learning how to: SOBER.

I’ve come to realize with this new job that I love marketing, I think I want to go to school for marketing and/or business management. I pray I can start school this spring.

I’ve paid off so much as far as bills go. I thought I would always be in debt. I was prepared for it because I had to make sure I could always afford alcohol. Now, I am paying my bills off and I have been able to buy things I need, like shoes, and still pay bills off.

God, please help me to stay sober. Please help me to discover more of myself.

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s