Oh man.

Still up… I have not been on for a while and just the little bit I posted earlier today helped. I felt connected to my roots again.

I’m fucking overwhelmed in life. I was driving home from my meeting today as I asked myself: Why am I working so hard at my job? I do love my job. I can’t go to my home-group meeting at nights now so I like to stay late and help get things done…I feel an overwhelming feeling of joy that I am striving to get better. One the other hand, I could have stuck to being a simple kanviser!

 character

The last few weeks….I guess three maybe have been crazy. Like I wrote earlier today, my biological father is dying and I have no idea what to do. I figured out a major CHARACTER FLAW in myself, I have MAJOR “daddy” issues. I am questioning  to do something about getting in contact with him or just letting this go. My grandmother (Mom) had hip surgery nearly a week ago. She was supposed to get out of the hospital a few days after the surgery but she ended up staying there for nearly a week. Now she is home and she is just not her fucking self. I was very scared of this happening….She is okay but she is not quite my mom right now. I got to see my nephew start his first day of kindergarten. I celebrated my 4 months of sobriety. ***? I have a new sponsor who I think will be “the one” who will really walk me through the steps. I now have my finances back and I need to be very cautious. I feel a big scene of control that I have not had since I was a drunk. I pray, please God be here…Help me let you in because if I let you go I know I will drink again.

It’s crazy how working the steps and meetings and …….. really does help with coming close to God and getting my life. The problem right now is that I feel well, very well, but I have to remember to continue on this path but turn slightly to the right, in His direction. I feel a part of me becoming independent, separated from God and trying to do my will and make things happen.

God help me. And thank you!

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