I was able to talk to one of my GREAT friends tonight. I left work early today because I am so overwhelmed. I really need to talk time to figure out where I need to take my life.
I wanted to fucking drink today…and I mean DRINK. Die Drink. I didn’t.
I have wanted to blog lately but I have not had enough time to even focus on AA. My life is taking a downward spiral. I have been smoking a lot of pot these last three weeks or so.
Does it give me the escape I am looking for? A bit but now I don’t give a shit about pot…I want to fucking drink. Last night I went out with a few friends and smoked pot. I woke up this morning and I felt like shit; like I drank the night before. I had a horrible headache and I did not get nearly enough sleep (which has been the norm.) I called my sponsor and cancelled on her and told her I had a migraine. I have been lying to my family a lot right now: Fucking alcoholic way of thinking. Fuck this mindset…Time to get back to the basics.
I have been seeing my sponsor once a week, given today I cancelled on her, and I have been able to make a few AA meetings a week. A few is not nearly enough. I am a FUCKING alcoholic, I need AA every day, even if I drop out of this major promotion program I am in at work…..putting in 50-60 hours a week. AA needs to come first; God most of all. God has not been a focus at all…but I prayed to him today. He was there.