hypocrite?

I got my 6 month chip tonight. It is blue…awesome. I really did not think I would really live to make it 6 months. The meeting was great tonight, just what I needed. I think way too much like an alcoholic still. My god, the topic was about being a hypocrite and…well…fucked up. I am fucked up. It’s interesting to me that through the process of dating the guy I was last with, I see how much improvement I need to make. I told the group today that I am one crazy alcoholic bitch. I’m crazy in the alcoholic way…we alcoholics are all so sick. It’s comforting when I see the people in my home-group that seem to have their shit together still struggle with the mind-set of an alcoholic.

I am so happy to be single. I regret, yet again, saying what I said to the man today. I am relieved…Why the hell was I so insecure? I am pretty ashamed that I handled myself like I did. Damn, what did I learn: I need to be alone right now. I need to focus on God, I feel so far away from him. I will never date a guy that much younger than me, big mistake. I need to get my emotions more under control and when I feel overwhelmed with feelings I need to take a step back. I need to go with my instincts; I felt like dating a guy that young was a bad idea…and it was. I will NOT open up to a man like I did (I opened my whole fucking heart and soul up to him…I looked weak from the very fucking start). I will not fall-in-love for a while and rely on a man for emotional support. Fuck I have a lot to put in to play in my life and I have learned a fucking lot. I really do feel relieved that this whole ordeal is over…Why the fuck did I want to hold on so tightly? He is a good guy but not for me and I definitely was not good for him.

God help me! God help him!

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