“get an abortion”

An old friend texted me today…I am not sure what to think. She seemed mad and was kind of rude. I have her self-help book she let me read and she texted me asking for it and commented that clearly I did not read it given what’s going on with me. To that….I say fuck you.

***I have not said a bad word about your marriage and the shit you are going through….judged your choices….thought you made a mistake***

I know people in my life are probably judging me and I really don’t want to hear it. What’s done is done and I have to face it. If I sit here wishing things were the other way it would harm the situation; what good would it do? It would do no good and I would be resentful and this can’t be something to be resentful towards.

Do people think I am not scared? I am fucking freaking out inside but I need to focus on my new job, be successful and make money, provide for my new life, be healthy and take care of shit. At any other time in my life I would drink and freak out and give up…perhaps even want to die. I am not doing those things and I don’t want to die…I am fucking sober and want to live. Now I feel a greater need inside of me to be responsible and financially secure, I have something bigger than me that needs to be taken care of and loved. I wont let myself go down the road that I was once on…I have a baby to take care of and I know I can do this.

I talked to my x-boyfriend the a few days ago. He was a dick and told me he wanted me to get an abortion. He was awful but I knew that he was in shock…he needed time so I did not talk to him yesterday. I canned him today and he was nice and asked me if I am ok. I could not believe that he asked me if I was ok. He apologized for the way he talked to me. I think he is a pretty good man, I knew he was freaking the fuck out…..I hope he is coming around and will be nice. All I ask from him at this point is for him to be nice about all of this. I pray he will be.

My mom asked me today if I feel sad that I am pregnant and not getting married: FUCK NO! Why would I get married because I am pregnant? So many damn people get married because they got pregnant and it was not pretty. I don’t want to get married to the father of this little one, what good would it do to bring a child in to this world who’s parents don’t want to be together? I don’t feel any shame because I am not getting married. I’ve been married, it’s not all that some people think it’s cracked up to be. Thank God I did not have a child with my husband….that would have turned out worse than what’s going on with me right now.

Any who, I am tired. My body feels like it’s falling apart. I have never felt such pain in my breasts like I feel right now. I feel like I have to struggle to breath because they hurt with the movement of my chest as I breath in and out. I never thought I could be this tired….I’m getting through the day ok. I really am doing well for the most part though.

God please help me and be with me. Please keep the baby safe and healthy. Please God help the baby’s day get through this. I pray there is nothing wrong with me. Please help those who still suffer from alcoholism; be with those I have been praying for and help those who call out to you.

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