Well FUCK. Here I am again…one down fucking day after another. I am so depressed. I know that there is such a thing as “miscarriage depression.” It’s kind of like postpartum depression (sorta). The chemicals in the body change drastically when a woman gets pregnant. Chemical and physical change of having a fetus inside of you and miscarrying has a huge effect on a woman’s psyche. I am still sad about the loss.
Yet again I needed another mental health day. I was only going to work half of the day because of a doctors appointment; when I was heading back home I realized there would be no way I could focus at work. It’s a new job and I need to be all there. I lied to them and said I could not come in…………….(well, it was FUCKING stupid how I lied) and I spent the day with my friend Niko. I needed to be with a fellow drunk. Like I mentioned in a previous blog he is the guy that helped me get sober: he was just as fucked up as I was (and still are). He and I became good friends from the get-go. The sucky thing about today was he was in a funk too. We both just wanted to fucking hang out with each other and alienate from the world. The healthy thing is that we got together and hung out so that we didn’t isolate. I called my dad on the way home tonight; I needed him and he was there. He has been sober for over a decade. Given I have never met the man…he has become a very important person in my life. He is finally out of the hospital from pneumonia that left him in a coma for a month and nearly dieing the last month (month 2). He knows what I mean when I break down and tell him I am surprised that I am still sober because I feel like shit and so much shit has happened, I don’t know how I am dealing without a drink….well the answer is God. The thing is I don’t feel God close right now. In turn my father told me to pray. We talked about the Big Book and Bill Wilson and how he had his ups and downs. I finally cried a little bit. It’s a start. He gets my fucked up head- as most people in AA do after some time in sobriety because they have been sober long to get that this disease fucks people up. I feel like a dry drunk that is just trying to get by.
One of my family members went out of town and I said I would stop in to let the dog out to go potty. I forgot until it was too late to really turn back. I felt awful. My brother said he and my sister talked and they know they can’t rely on me. FUCK THAT. I am more reliable then I have been in my whole life. I just had a fucking low day so I forgot. I was very upset by what he said….I felt like saying, “you have no idea what I am going through.” To some extent it’s true but on the other hand, am I just feeling goddamn sorry for myself? Fuck. I feel like a shitty dry drunk. I have lied to my family, a lot. I seem to be in this down-word spiral of depression. I need to get out of my head and remember how great my life is. It’s hard to focus on positive things when I feel like shit emotionally and physically. Talking to my dad really helped me more than I could ever have imagined.
Going to bed, long day tomorrow.
Pray for me and God bless.