another wild couple of days…….

So I got through the week…I MADE IT TO THE WEEKEND!

I took another mental health day on Thursday. I spent the day with my friend Niko at the “re-hab” nursing home that he is at right now. I was so sad and depressed. I just wanted to vanish. I know a lot of that shit had to do with the hormones of pregnancy. I am feeling MORE like myself every day. I was a little depressed today but some really good things happened………

So for the last few days I went on a date with this guy from AA. I have always through he was cute but he is definitely not my type, I don’t really find him attractive. He is probably one of the most caring guys I will ever meet but I’m just not there. I hurt his feelings badly. Here is how fucking selfish and prideful I am. I thought, “God I hope he does not drink over me.” I need to really step out my myself now. I am so stuck in my fucking head it will drive me to a drink.

Mass was awesome tonight and I went to confession Sat morning. I really felt the spirit of God this weekend. I actually prayed to God to help me tell that guy I can’t date him. I told him that I am still fucked up about losing Gavin and that I am in no place to date and that I need to focus on God. I was being honest. I am learning how to tell the truth and not hurt someone with it. I could have told him I am just not into him, but a nicer way to tell someone what’s going on is by putting yourself in their shoes. You might not think I put myself into his shoes but I thought about how I would feel if someone was dating me but did not really like me like that. I am still struggling with the loss. I have been clinging onto God a lot more.

I don’t think I want to be with anyone for a while.

I have to take this time to become my own best friend. I need to learn how to love myself and love others in a true, loving and respectful way.

I talked to my dad this weekend, tons. It was awesome. He is still in the hospital. A nurse walked into his room and thought she smelled alcohol. My heart dropped for him; I can’t imagine being accused of drinking like that, I would feel like….like shit or worse, I’m sure. He was so mad he went down to the ER and asked for a breathalyzer. I can only imagine this weak man who’s legs are two inches around and has lost nearly 60 pounds in the last two months from nearly dieing many times and was in a coma for a month. I told him I thought that sucked and I would be irate too. I also said it comes with the disease. We have lied to people, hurt them and used them. Even if it’s people who don’t know us but they find out we are alcoholics-we get treated like second class citizens. Unfortunately we sorta did it to ourselves: alcoholics as a whole. If you are an alcoholic you have done some pretty shitty things to people and have hurt them badly.

Do I think that alcoholics and addicts have it as bad as those who do not have the disease? Fuck yeah I do. The mindset of an alcoholic is pretty fucked up. When we stop drinking our mindset is still really fucked up, we’re just not adding the drudgery of liquor into the equation. The program of AA and the tools it offers gives us alcoholics the tools to work on changing that mindset and healing so that a drink does not have to be the answer.

Any who, I am going to go to bed.

My friend asked me a bit ago if I think that everything happens for a reason? I think things happened because it’s life and with God we get through whatever it is that happens. It’s like someone saying the miscarriage was God’s will. I think, it was just what happens in life and God’s will is for us to go to him in humility, love and respect and he will help us through life. He will give us the tools to get through anything but I don’t think God “hurts” us to teach us a lesson. The lesson is turning to God when LIFE HAPPENS.

Night night. Going to try and make a ton of money at my new job so that I can pay off my car, pay the rest of my bills, move out and be able to support myself and SAVE money!

Thank you for this weekend Lord.

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